Marlon Wagner

[Erich Griesser]

Dear strong and silent oaf,

If you don't mind me asking, where in the hell have you been? As your so-called best friend, I believe I have every right to know why I haven't heard from you for the last half of summer. You do remember that I still have one last year at that blasted school, right? Which means that I need to get off of my arse (don't say a damn word) and do something before I'm chained to barriers of that castle again. Seeing as how you're the only other person who I know of that I'd want to hang out with (since Autumn has apparently disappeared as well) I have every right to know what you've been up to.

So what's the deal? Did you know that my mother thinks we're not friends anymore? And did you also know that my mother has routinely banned me from my bed and made me sleep on the floor as punishment for supposedly ruining our friendship? Honestly, the sodding woman won't believe me when I tell her you've just disappeared. This isn't fair to me you know! I shouldn't suffer because you're being a prat and didn't tell my mum where you went. Unless she does know...and you're just being an even bigger prat by involving her in your scheme to ruin my back!

But now as I think about it, I recall hearing you say something about hooking up with some girl a few days after you hooked up with some girl back in the middle of June. Did she give you some sort of disease? Is that what happened? Are you dead and just haven't gotten around to contacting me from the depths of hell yet to let me know? If so, then I laugh at you. That's what you get for thinking girls aren't evil. Tables really turned on you didn't they?

Well since you're apparently dead and in hell I'm going to attempt to send a post to Autumn and make sure she's not dead because her I would actually be upset about.


Signed,
The kid who hates sleeping on his floor.

[Marlon Wagner]

Oh my dear drama-queen -

don't throw a fit about my...disappearance. I'm sure you were secretly quite glad about my absence from your life seeing as it left you free to spend a lot more time snuggled up to your beloved and, may I say, inhabited-to-the-point-of-being-abused bed. Though I am pleased to see that you may perhaps even be growing bored of your sleeping habit - I mean, getting up to write a letter of such length to me is a remarkable show of energy and effort. Good on you, mate! Do you think you'll be able to scrape together some more of that and actually set foot outside your room and even house to meet me for a drink sometime this week? (If you say no, I will personally come by your house and throw a big dramatic fuss in front of your mother, declaring that your sleeping addiction has ruined our friendship. We'll see what measures she takes then..... On that note, do give her my regards. Precious woman, she is). And my condolences to your floor for the unprecedented strain it is unvariably being put through. Wait - are you honestly attempting to tell me that you have done nothing all summer besides sleeping? No girlfriend, still? You're disgraceful.

As to me, I have not, as you believe, spent my summer in the depths of hell...rather, I have spent it happily enveloped in paradise. Wipe that incredulous look off your face: girls are good for life. And on that note, writing this has taken up far too much time that could be spent with the girl in question instead, and so that is what I shall be getting back to now.

Let me know about drinks, and keep in mind the possible consequences of turning me down, ey mate?

-Marlon

[Erich Griesser]

Don't throw a fit about your disappearance? Did you even read my sodding letter you wanker? Did the part about being unnecessarily punished not do anything for you? You're nothing more than a damn prat, you prat. But then again, you did bring up that good point about not being disturbed. Alright, so that part I'm grateful for but I still hate you.

DON'T YOU DARE INSINUATE THAT I AM GROWING TIRED OF MY SLEEPING HABITS YOU WANKER! THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AS LONG AS I'M LIVING.

Oh, so now you want to meet up after all this time for some bloody drinks? You just expect me to forget how you've been avoiding me all summer. Well, if you treat us to the drinks then maybe....

WAIT! GIRLFRIEND? ME? YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND THAT'S WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN SPEAKING TO ME? ................................................................. How dare you. How dare you threaten to come and throw a dramatic fuss if I don't agree to meet with you. You sick son of a bitch. You really expect me to want to come and drink with you after finding out that you have been spending all of your summer with a girl after kicking me to the curb like some useless piece of trash. You have gone too far this time Wagner.

Screw wanting to meet up. I changed my mind. I want to spend the rest of my summer lying on my floor sleeping. That's much better than meeting up with a supposed best friend who kicks his best friends to the curb for a sodding girl. Go to hell and take your bloody girl with you.

I'm going to kick you in the face the next time I see you,
Erich

[Marlon Wagner]

Do you get off on throwing dramatic fits, mate?

Before you complain about me overlooking you for 'some' girl (and rest assured, this one isn't just 'some' girl), you should perhaps remember that you often do the same - besides the minor detail that your 'girl' is an inanimate object that you were quite happy to spend your time with until sending that note earlier. So don't attempt any excuses now that you've realized that the consequences of your actions are leaving your house - I'm not letting your lazy ass get out of this quite that easily. I expect to see you at the Broom Spirits for reconciliation over some butterbeer tomorrow. Don't even attempt to weasel yourself out of this one, you lazy prat. I do occasionally miss your antics, you know?

Your very miffed friend,
Marlon

P.S. Ah yes, lest I forget - I will be bringing the girl in question along with me tomorrow. You had better not even think about kicking me in the face in front of her, and much less about kicking her in the face for stealing my time. Rest assured that I let her do so quite gladly.

[Erich Griesser]

Yes...I'm sure she's just not 'some girl'. Just like all the other girls before her weren't 'some girls'. You can't fool me. I know how you work.

You're really pushing it now Wagner. I'll have you remember that as many times as I have tried to avoid hanging out with you for the comforts of my bed 99.9% of the time I have failed because you had dragged me from it. SO HAH!

And count me out on this one. I don't want to see your face ever again. Well, perhaps one last time...just so I can kick you in it but I'll save that for another day. Tomorrow I plan on lying in my bed (or floor, depending on my mother's mood) and making a list of why Autumn is now my best friend....even though she's been preoccupied with someone as well. Can you believe it? I know I couldn't.

The fact that you're bringing that girl with you is even more reason for me not to attend. Hope you and your love kitten have a good time drinking. I wouldn't want to intrude on your happiness.

Is still very much planning on kicking you,
Erich

[Marlon Wagner]

Mate -
If you even so much as attempt to kick me, I will petrify you. The same consequence faces you should you be rude to 'that girl' who just so happens to mean very much to me.

Make sure you're prepared and ready to face the outside world tomorrow afternoon: your arse is being dragged out of that bloody bed or off that bloody floor whether you like it or not.

I assure you that resistance is futile.

See you soon -
Marlon

[Erich Griesser]

Marlon,

No it won't and no it isn't. Mum won't let you in because she's going to be gone all morning and all afternoon. So you're screwed in that aspect my tainted ex-friend. Now leave me alone so I can go sleep.

Not so sincerely,
Your former best friend who now pretty much hates you.

[Marlon Wagner]

You just wait.

(Wanker)

-Marlon