You love me for everything you hate me for {Gavin}

[Amina Krane]

The school year had just started and already Amina was feeling overwhelmed. Part of it had to do with school work since, of course, it was her last year. The professors were throwing everything at the seventh years and trying to make their lives hell. Well, she didn’t think that was the exact reason but it was the end result. She had been working on an essay for two hours which was very uncommon for Amina but when it called for five feet of parchment to complete, there was a problem. Someone had tried to convince the professor that it was not justifiable to give them such a report on only the second week of school, yet, here she was, sitting in the library. Sitting in the library, surrounded by potions books, ink, quills, and parchment. This was not how she had planned on spending her day, but given she had little else to do in her life at this point, she couldn’t justify a reason not to. This time the year before she would have been on a Florida beach, relaxing and catching the last bit of the sun’s rays before the fall season came. This time six months ago she would have been far too preoccupied with a certain Slytherin. The thought made her hand clench tightly around the page of the book she was flipping through, causing it to wrinkle at the corner and nearly rip. Just as it was about to, she heard the clearing of a throat and looked up to see the librarian glaring at her from behind a pair of hornrimmed spectacles. Letting go of the page, Amina lifted her hands in an apologetic motion before smoothing out the book and shutting it.

Though she didn’t hate him, it killed her to think of what had happened. She actually wasn’t quite sure what happened, but Amina was sure it had something to do with his mother. The whole summer had been like she was royalty and Gavin was her King. They had so much fun and spent so much time together, she had imagined something had changed. They would finally be able to spend time together without worrying who saw them or what others thought. The arranged marriage had even dropped from their world during the summer and was no longer a concern. Or at least she thought. That was until Gavin had practically gone missing for a full week, a week that Amina felt dragged on for years. They had just returned from a heavenly trip, and they had intended on meeting up two days later for lunch, but when she went to their normal meeting spot, he hadn’t been there. Nor did he go to the restaurant. It hadn’t been till a week later that he finally showed up out of the blue. She had been expecting to make up for lost time, but it was nothing of the sort. He had always forewarned her that he would hurt her. Though she never thought it would happen and prayed it never would, he had done it. The moment he broke up with her, he had broken her heart. She should have expected it. After all, he was arranged to be married. But it wasn’t like that. The breakup hadn’t been because of Lucinda. She had nothing to do with it. This was all Gavin. He had done what he had promised. He had hurt her.

A tear slid down her cheek which she quickly brushed away before stacking the books on top of another. She wasn’t going to cry in public. Not over this. Not over him. After stacking all the books she had brought out, she separated them into two piles and moved them over to the reshelving pile. The whole time, she kept reminding herself to breathe in through her nose, out through her mouth. She had a walk back to the tower to go before she could let herself do whatever she wanted. Rolling up her parchment, she stuffed it in her bag while nearly throwing an open bottle of ink in with it. Just before she had done it, she took notice and corked it shut first before placing it inside with the other unopened bottle and her two quills. Cinching the bag shut, she threw it over her back and moved as quickly as possible out of the library without gathering the attention of the librarian again. The woman was already upset. She didn’t need one more person in the world hating her. Shuffling out the door. Amina began down the hall until she stopped and leaned against the wall, putting her head in her hands as she recognized the door she was passing. Damn him. Why had he crossed her path that day? Why was he everywhere she looked? The classroom across from the library had been the first place where they had truly interacted and to be near it was heart wrenching.

She wanted to hate him. She wanted to hate him till the end of the world for doing this to her and she was sure that was his intention to. But something wouldn’t let her. Gavin had always said in the beginning that he wanted to make her hate him because it was going to be the easiest way. She never knew why he wanted her to hate him, but if this had been his intention, he wasn’t going to get his wish. Hating him wasn’t in her capacity. She would never do such a thing despite how much she felt like she should. Taking in a deep breath, Amina composed herself before the next bout of students rounded the corner and took off in the direction of the common room. Crossing her arms tightly around her chest, she moved along the corridor until she reached the staircase. Stopping in her tracks, she looked up towards the seventh floor then down towards the great hall. There was hardly any students on the staircase. It was pouring down rain outside and rare few students were like her and enjoyed being outside in the rain, so normally the school would be filled with jostling students. Twisting her wrist slightly, she looked at the face of her watch and realized the reason why. It was just about the end of lunch. “Merlin, go figure,” she muttered as she changed direction and moved towards the great hall instead.

The walk down made things easier. With each step, her brain cleared out, things became more bearable again. That was the way this whole year had started out. One second she was freaking out about Gavin, then another second she was happy about talking with someone she hadn’t seen in years. Her mood swings were ridiculous and she had just reached another one of them. Thankfully it had been a full day since her last one so she was making progress. Deciding to just move on with the freak out process, she allowed a smile to cross her lips as she uncrossed her arms and moved down the stairs a little faster.

Words | 1,184
Tags | Gavin
Outfit | Click Here

[Gavin Dewhurst]

i cant get these memories out of my mind,

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(SOME SORT OF MADNESS HAS STARTED)
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It was such a small note, something so very simple and yet, it was enough to cause his stomach to curdle. Like he needed any other reminders of the lectures that she had been giving him for the past week. He had been a fool to think that his boarding the train for his final year at Galaxia would have meant the end of her judgmental words. He didn't need to be reminded of his agreement, his verbal contract to her, it was something that dominated his thoughts every waking moment. His time was almost out and instead of getting to spend it the way that he had wanted, his final hoorah, he was forced to spend it alone. He had nobody to talk to about this, the few people who already knew about it didn't bring it up, and nobody other than himself and Care knew about Amina in the first place. Well, he supposed that short list now had to include his mother as well. She had found out at the worst time possible, and she was smart enough to piece together all the missing gaps. Normally they traveled together over the summer, but this year after he had allowed her to purchase his future home, he had been traveling on his own. Sure, he had told her that it was to enjoy his single days, to ready himself for the marriage that was lingering over his head, and part of that was true. Yet, she knew now that he hadn't been spending his days alone. That the time he had spent in his new home, the home meant to be reserved for his future bride was shared with another woman. The money wasn't the issue. It was the status of Amina's family. He wasn't sneaky enough, they were too bold in their affections. He really had done Amina a favor by breaking things off with her in person. His mother had wanted to be the one to do it, to speak to the “trollop” herself, that would have only hurt her worse. Deep down, he should have known that this was going to happen. He should have seen it before anything had transpired between the two of them, broken things off before they had ever started. Now she was suffering for his selfishness. At least, he assumed that she was suffering.

He felt like he was going mad.

It had come with a late owl, perhaps his mother just wanted it to be more dramatic, so that more people would want to know what was in the letter. She wanted to further his humiliation. He didn't choose Amina. Why would he have? She wasn't an ideal candidate, but this was something he really couldn't do anything about. He wanted to, so badly. To cut out whatever part of his body craved her closeness and hex it away from his self. He didn't want to have to see her face in classes, to bump past her in the hallways, to hear the rest of the Quidditch team making fun of her just like they had always done. It hadn't bothered him then, before he knew her, before he knew what would come of her. He adored spoiling her over the summer, to show her all the perks of how a pure blooded woman should have been living. Not in squalor like she did, but like a heiress, destined for a gilded throne. She deserved that, not this. Not his eyes glued to his plate at every meal whenever he knew that she was stealing glances at him, not him sitting idly by while his 'friends' said mean things about her and her group of friends. He should have been better than this, but he couldn't be. He should have been thinking about his betrothed, his wife to be, but all he could think about was how she wasn't going to be like Amina. Nobody ever would be. Oh, how he wished that he could choose the object of his affection. His brother really hadn't been kidding whenever he said that one can't choose whom he loves. He had made the better choice, Mother picked Everett's job, and he was free to love whomever he chose. Gavin had been stupid. At least he still had Quidditch.

The very thought made him want to scoff. Only, in the middle of lunch, it wasn't bound to be received very well. He didn't even know what the people around him were talking about, he couldn't hear them. Practice had already begun, and there were already professional league scouts sitting in on the various practices. Gavin had met with a lot of them over the course of the summer, getting familiar with exactly what they were looking for. At least his muddled brain didn't interfere there. Whenever he was flying, he let his body do what it wanted to, what it had been trained to do, and that was win. “I hear puddlemore united's going to be sitting in next week after classes” He felt a sharp nudge in his ribs. Care was addressing him. Crumpling the letting into a ball he stuffed the wad into the pocket of his robes, snapping out of his haze. Turning his gaze to the raven haired woman next to him he shrugged. Puddlemore wasn't exactly what he was going for, he had his eyes set on a much bigger prize. Classes were due to start next week officially, but they still were being asked to report to their various area's for orientation and to get their supplies, class syllabus, and the like beforehand. He had been in a world of his own for all of lunch, and was due in his next classroom in about twenty minutes, he should have been able eat something, but he couldn't stomach even broth lately. If he wasn't careful, he wouldn't meet the weight requirements for his position any longer. At least it was eating up the small reserves of fat that he had tucked away on his frame, making most of him look defined and rugged. His face however, was starting to take a turn for the worse, the bones in his hands were sticking up through his sallow skin.

”Walk me to class” He heard Care say, she was doing her very best not to push him, to not bring up Amina, to cover for him to make everything seem alright. She had been there whenever his mother had started in on him. Since it was at her summer party that the couple had been discovered in the first place. Nodding he grabbed his school bag, noting that it was far heavier than it had been whenever he had arrived for lunch. Care must have stuffed it with food from the table again. She was trying to get him to eat more without drawing attention to his issues. Despite how long she kept trying, even she couldn't seem to get Gavin alone for any length of time. People were still following him, and the team this year seemed to be traveling as a pack. He knew it irritated her, but he was glad. More people meant less that he had to actually attempt to talk. ”You better eat all of that in the bag Gavin, or else. I mean it” She whispered harshly into his ear as she stood from the table and waited for the rest of the group to follow her. Gavin draped his arm around her just like he was expected to, to make himself look normal as they sauntered out of the great hall. Lunch wasn't over yet, but they didn't want to have to push through the crowd. It took every ounce of his self control not to look backward for her, in that tacky red she called a house, to see if she was looking for him too.

The grand stairs were just a few paces ahead whenever it happened. He could hear the intake of breath from somebody behind him, a clear indication that there was easy prey nearby. He had expected them just to want to take advantage of the new crop of first years, they were particularly naive this year after all. Smaller, seemed like they might be easy to rattle. He could feel the smirks starting to form around him. Yet, the cruel laughter that started before the words made him think it was somebody else. A target, that had been a target for awhile. He could feel Kariana snake her arm around his waist, pinching him firmly on the ribs, in warning. That was all that it took. He could feel the breath lock in his chest, like the air had been removed from the space surrounding his body. Of course it would be her, they had been waiting so long to make fun of her, they hadn't exactly been discrete over the summer. He knew what they thought of her, that Gavin had to work just a little too hard to get in her pants. That he was just after her for the challenge of bedding the new girl before moving on. Their thoughts had only been confirmed whenever Gavin didn't say a word about her on the train over, and since Amina hadn't been around, they had just figured she had finally given it up and he had shucked her just like all the other women he had slept him. His face was burning, he wanted to punch them, all of them, to break their limbs before they were able to say a word, but he couldn't. For her sake, the humiliation was better than what his mother would do to her and her family if he stood up for her.

“If it isn't the Queen of the Dewhurst fan club” The first one rang out, his crooked teeth making his words whistle as they left his lips. His eyes averted to the ground, he couldn't look her in the eyes whenever they did this, he couldn't. He knew that her eyes were going to swim with salt water, but they wouldn't fall, just like whenever he had broken up with her. ”Little Krane finally offered up that sweet snatch eh?” the second muttered, making a lewd gesture as he singled himself from the group and moved toward Amina. It was all that Gavin could do to knot his hand up in Care's long hair, to keep from showing that it was getting to him, that he found the words repugnant. He hated them. He hated all of them. ”Can I get a piece? Huh Krane? Now that you're free for grabs” And grab he did, the first one was around her too, grabbing at her ass while laughing at her. The others around him were laughing at her pain, just like the shallow imbeciles that they were, making kissing noises at her, and attempting to grab at her body and hair. She just wanted to eat, he was sure. He wanted nothing more than to sock them in the jaw and hide her away from the world. The second one was attempting to paw at her now, and turned his focus back to Gavin, standing behind Amina ”Well? How was she Gav?” He was forced to lift his eyes to see her, to take in all of her beauty. He could feel her eyes boring into his own as he stared. They were still laughing around him, but the world seemed to get a little quiet whenever he lost himself in her eyes. Again, Care nudged him in the ribs, and he was forced to speak. “Not worth it” He shrugged, attempting to do what was expected of him, despite the fact that it made him want to cut out his own tongue.”Dirty lil' cunt then is she?” The first sing songed, getting far too handsy, reaching for parts of Amina's anatomy that Gavin never wanted anybody to touch but himself ever again.

”That. Is. Enough.” the stern voice of Kariana rang out from under his arm, she couldn't stand either of those boys either, much less victimizing women of any house. She had tried castrating them on more than one occasion. He should thank her. He should have been glad to have anybody stop this. He felt so small. But he couldn't tear his eyes away from her.

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i've tried so hard to let you go,

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(THE MADNESS IS SWALLOWING ME WHOLE)[/center]

[/b][/color] 2,094
outfit: This
tags: Amina
notes:m-m-m-m-maaadddnessssss
credit: gabs of a different color; @ caution 2.0[/ul][/size][/font][/left]

[Amina Krane]

As Amina rounded the corner of the staircase of the third floor, she took a moment to stop and look over the edge towards the Great Hall. It was bustling with students still, thankfully. They wouldn’t shut down for lunch until all of the students were gone so she would have a chance to grab whatever was left over. Unfortunately, Gryffindor seemed to be notorious for eating a ton of food so she couldn’t imagine there would be much left. After all, the elves wouldn’t refill the platters unless they were sure it was all going to get eaten. So she was going to be able to get something despite her lack of time keeping ability while stuck in the library. Her smile grew as she started down the staircase again, this time taking the steps a little faster. She was hungry and she wasn’t about to let anything get in her way. At least, she didn’t think she was going to. That was when she heard the cruel laughter as she rounded the last corner on the staircase. The damn taunting that seemed to follow her everywhere. Her steps slowed as her eyes fell upon the group of Slytherin’s at the base of the stairs. Her hands clenched as her eyes narrowed in their direction. Despite the fact that she now wore a prefect pin on her tank top, they still decided to taunt and laugh at her. Merlin, Amina was so ready to graduate so she would finally be rid of them and their annoyances. Then her eyes fell on him. Her heart sunk immediately at the sight of the man that had crushed her only weeks before. Her clenched hands loosened up as her jaw clenched shut and she swallowed to keep her emotions from catching up again. She just had a breakdown, so she didn’t need another one.

Rather than acknowledging them, she continued down the staircase and made the best attempt she could to get past them without confrontation, but her attempt was feeble. They would never let her bypass them without having a chance to poke and prod her with their words. “If it isn't the Queen of the Dewhurst fan club.” She stopped at the base of the steps as the boy stepped in front of her, the disgusting whistle from in between the gaps of his teeth as he spoke. Gritting her teeth, Amina attempted to make one more pass by them but another one stood in her way, making going back up the staircase her only other path. “Move. Please.” Her tone was demanding but yet the sweet, gentle Amina she always was. It would take more than jerks to get rid of her kindness. No matter what they did. As one of the boys approached her, she took in a sharp breath as her eyes moved to the ground. They were far too close for comfort, but what really killed her was that Gavin was standing there, just letting it happened. Was he really done with her? Really through caring for her? The thought caused her to choke back some tears as she closed her eyes and finished her breath. She wouldn’t do this. Not now. ”Little Krane finally offered up that sweet snatch eh?” Amina happened to look up just in time to see the disgusting gesture he made before coming closer to her. She felt like puking. They were rude, tasteless, and downright disgusting. How Gavin was friends with them, she could never know. Then again, was he really that much better than them? He had toyed with her for so long and now was standing there, watching as they acted like the jerks they were. But, was he actually watching? She stole a glance towards him and noticed he wasn’t even looking. His eyes were averted to the ground as he held onto the one woman Amina was sure he would never leave behind. He was so gutless he couldn’t even look.

Her eyes averted back to the men as she slowly slid her clenched fist towards her bag. They were too focused on their revolting motions to notice her movement. That was good. She was not going to put up with it much longer but in order to defend herself, she would need her wand. Though she had the muscles and speed of a gymnast, it wouldn’t do much against multiple guys. And it was obvious Gavin and Kariana weren’t going to do anything to help. ”Can I get a piece? Huh Krane? Now that you're free for grabs.” Amina’s hand was about to slip into her bag when he unexpectedly grabbed her behind. She had been taunted, but never touched by them. The feeling of his hand on her made her turn sharply and hit his arm away. Unfortunately, it only seemed to add fuel to the fire. Now they were all joining in but the pair linked off to the side. One of them managed to lay another hand on her and it was all she could do not to punch him, but she knew it would only start a riot. She hated feeling helpless. Hated feeling like she was being taken advantage of. She was sick to her stomach as she remembered that day again. Gavin was the only one here who knew about it and even that was unintentional. He had been so furious when he found out. How would he feel if he knew they were bringing up the same thoughts in her head? Making her feel the same way? Would he even give a damn? One of them stood behind her and grabbed at her one more time. ”Well? How was she Gav?” As his hand groped her one more time, her body tensed up as her eyes moved towards the one being questioned.

It was the first time the two of them looked at each other since the breakup and she was sure he did not want to be doing it right now by the look on his face. “Not worth it.” Amina nearly fainted at the words. Her knees got weak and if it wasn’t for the men standing around her, she was pretty sure she would break out into tears, but instead she swallowed hard and held back the bile rising in her throat. Was he just saying that because they were his friends? Or was it the truth? Had he really been toying with her this whole time? Clenching her fists again, she hooked her thumb over the strap of her bag. She had to get her wand but she didn’t want to be caught. She was far too outnumbered to try anything without a wand. ”Dirty lil' cunt then is she?” The words played off his lips like he was singing, but they felt like knives being stabbed through her. She had never intended on their relationship ruining her reputation. She had never intended for him to crush her like he did. And she never intended for it to lead her to hate him. But though she knew earlier that she could never hate him, she was starting to. When the mans hand went for the hem of her skirt, she felt like they were going to maul her all at once, take advantage of what they could. But she took advantage and slipped her hand inside her bag where it quickly met with the handle of her wand. Right as she was about to pull it out, though, something stopped her.

”That. Is. Enough.” Kariana. Of course she would be the one to step in. What woman would watch another woman be attacked in such a way? Though it was kind of Kat to step in, Amina couldn’t see it as that. Kindness would have been to stop them before it got this far. Before the taunting even began. Before they groped her in places no man should be touching without her permission. Before she nearly felt the man’s hand against her bare skin. “I can take care of myself, Kat,” Amina replied, the kindness gone. She was so sick of playing these Slytherin mind games. Though she was sure Kat’s intentions were pure, she couldn’t help but be mad at her for not stepping in sooner. ”We’re just having fun, Kat. Chill.” The guy behind her laughed one more time as his hand moved from her skirt and went towards her neck. Just as his hand was brushing her hair aside, she pulled her wand out, whirled around, and put her wand to his throat. Her gymnastics gave her speed, but she was lucky the one ragging on her at the moment was a beater. She was sure if he had been any slimmer, he would have been able to stop her before she turned all the way around. After all, being in heels slowed her down quite a bit. “Touch me one more time and I swear, I will personally make sure Slytherin does not win the Quidditch Cup this year.” Her eyes flickered in Gavin and Kat’s direction for a moment because she knew it would hit home with them. Though she had no intention of hurting them in the process, nor did she have any intention of following through with that threat, she needed some sort of leverage if she was going to have an incident free final year. She had no intention on dealing with this harassment the whole time. “I’m assuming that will put a wrench in your end of the year celebration?” she growled, pushing her wand further into his skin. His eyes were wide and that was what she was going for. They would learn not to touch her again.

But apparently they knew it was an empty threat as much as she knew it was because the one who had been behind her wrapped his arms around her and, with little effort, straightened up and lifted her up off the ground. Her short and thin stature made it so easy for him to do so and it didn’t require any consent on her part. His grip caused her to drop her wand as she tried to wiggle her way out but, unfortunately, he was the other beater. Go figure. They stuck together well, didn’t they? “Let me go,” she grumbled as the one holding her laughed one of his cruel laughs again. As she struggled against him, the strong urge to cry hit her strong. They were playing her like a toy and she kept falling into their trap. Merlin, she felt so weak and no matter what she did, it just seemed like she kept looking weaker by the second. “I said let me go!” she said louder, aiming a kick towards the guys knee. Luckily, with her legs being the strongest part of her, when it hit, it loosened his grip and she managed to slip out and stumbled away from them and the staircase. It wasn’t away from them completely, but it was far enough to take a breath. Gripping the banister, she turned to them but particularly to Gavin. “Happy now? You got a show after lunch. Now leave me the hell alone.”

Words | 1,872
Tags | Gavin
Outfit | Click Here

[Gavin Dewhurst]

i cant get these memories out of my mind,

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(SOME SORT OF MADNESS HAS STARTED)
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[/i] He could hear the near snort that Care gave in response to Amina's words. Whenever Kariana went out of her way to help somebody, she wouldn't stand for it to be thrown back in her face. ”Obviously, the boys were going to maul you, but you had it handled right? She was sneering, making it obvious that she couldn't have cared less if they stripped Amina and had at her right there other than the fact that she didn't want to have to watch it. ”And it's Kariana” she must have been feeling particularly venomous with her correction of the nick name. They weren't really friends after all.

”We’re just having fun, Kat. Chill.” Slowly, Gavin's eyes rolled upward to see which man was talking, memorizing his face, imagining what it would look like with his nose inverted and bloody. What would happen when his orbital socket was concave and pulp. If only he didn't need his hands so damn bad for his career. He was too absorbed in his delusion to notice that Amina had pulled her wand on the smaller one, the whistling one. “Touch me one more time and I swear, I will personally make sure Slytherin does not win the Quidditch Cup this year.” That got his attention. Did she really think that they needed some sodding beater? He knew this wasn't really about the Quidditch cup from the pointed way that she was looking at him, and yet he couldn't help but feel offended that she had to strike at something she knew he cared about so very much. Not that it was any worse than what he was putting her through. He could end this. With a solitary word, and yet he didn't. “I’m assuming that will put a wrench in your end of the year celebration?” Gavin couldn't have cared less that she was almost crushing the boys windpipe with the tip of her wand, but she was getting a little ahead of herself. Sure, she needed to get back at those grabbing at her, but the whole team didn't need to be punished because of it. “I think your ego's run away with you again” he finally added. Speaking directly to her for the first time in weeks, and not in the way that he had thought they would be speaking again for the first time. “You really think you are important enough to sway a whole team with one action? It seems a little delusional to me” his words had a double meaning, that he wasn't sure if she was going to catch or not. Either way it was the truth, the boy could be replaced by somebody better, the waiting list to get on the Slytherin Quidditch team was as long as he was tall.

The other boy moved into play again, lifting her off the ground, his arms wrapped around her tiny torso, and he felt the familiar rage of jealousy rising within him once again. Her wand rolled away from her body, and he stopped it with his foot, letting the wood rest beneath the polished toe of his shoe. “Let me go,” She was struggling, she needed to stop. She was just wiggling her body against the man holding her, didn't she know what that was going to lead to? Nothing good. He was going to have to get involved if this went any further and he didn't think that he would be able to stand any closer to her than he was at this very moment. Not and retain the ability to breath anyway. “I said let me go!” As she kicked the boy in the shin, he stooped to pick her wand up off of the ground, and slid it into the inner lining of his robes. Why? He couldn't really be sure. It was something he knew that she was going to need, that she wouldn't make it through the rest of the day without, and yet he couldn't stop himself. “Happy now? You got a show after lunch. Now leave me the hell alone.” her words were met with laughter from the people around them, indicating that this was only the beginning. The real classes hadn't even really started, and she was in for what promised to be a very long year if she kept playing into their taunts exactly the way that they wanted her to, like she just did. Gavin's eyes darted over to Amina once again, pained and somehow satisfied with the pain and fire he saw reflected in her own. His poise broke for a second, just a small second he knew his real feelings showed before he turned his head away from her totally. ”She's all used up anyway, no doubt selling it out to the Hufflepuffs by now” the whistler rasped, rubbing at his damaged throat. ”Like she can get any better, just a little whore” the other said, limping as he moved toward the staircase. Kariana pulled herself away from Gavin's body and moved forward as if to go up the stairs, no doubt to finish the job of sending the beaters to the infirmary for defaming her Quidditch team. He needed to follow. Or else they were going to get the wrong impression. He should go.
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i've tried so hard to let you go,

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(THE MADNESS IS SWALLOWING ME WHOLE)[/center]

[/b][/color] 1,724
outfit: This
tags: Amina
notes:m-m-m-m-maaadddnessssss
credit: gabs of a different color; @ caution 2.0[/ul][/size][/font][/left]

[Amina Krane]

As Amina stood at the base of the stairs, tumbling through emotions like she was in a clothes dryer, she couldn’t help but want to go back in time. Rare few points in her life did she ever wish to take back anything that happened, but at this exact moment, she wished she hadn’t gone for a run that day. That she hadn’t nearly run into Gavin during her run and been her normal, incessant self. If she had just let him walk away when he did, maybe they wouldn’t have talked the next time they saw another, found themselves hiding in a classroom, half naked, found themselves in a broom closet playing a form of truth or dare. Merlin, what had she done? She could have saved herself all of this heartache had she just learned to leave things be, and yet, despite her want to get rid of the feeling she had at that exact moment, the feeling of betrayal, pain, humiliation, she couldn’t imagine taking back their summer. All but the last week had been a dream. It didn’t have to deal with the large sum of money he spent on her, for she had that lifestyle before the economy in America fell. She had gotten used to being rich and also being poor. Neither lifestyle made a deep impression on her. No, it was the feeling he gave her. He made her feel wanted, loved, and worth something in someone else’s eyes. Granted, she never had a reason to think she wasn’t worth anything, but when it came from Gavin, the thing she knew all along she could never keep but yet tried so hard to do so, the affection was completely different. The feeling was so much better. Despite all the heartache she was feeling now, she couldn’t help but want to keep the memory of that feeling alive forever. Maybe, one day, she would find it again.

Biting on her bottom lip, she heard their words trail down the stairs as they walked. ”She's all used up anyway, no doubt selling it out to the Hufflepuffs by now.” “Like she can get any better, just a little whore.” The words were harsh, but they couldn’t do anything to keep his comments from overriding them and replaying in her head. Theirs were trivial in comparison. “I think your ego's run away with you again.” “You really think you are important enough to sway a whole team with one action? It seems a little delusional to me.” Her teeth clenched tighter as Kariana finally began to make her way up the stairs as well. Thankfully she wasn’t going to have to deal with her any further. Amina knew they had never been friends. If anything, Kat despised her for taking Gavin away for so long, but she hadn’t imagined their relationship would tank so quickly. Most females wouldn’t sit by and watch another of their gender be harassed like she had. It disgusted her. But nothing could top what Gavin had done. He had stood there, hardly looking at her, while he watched them handle her. And then he dares to make comments regarding her ego? He knew her better than that, or she figured he did. Amina with an ego just wasn’t existent and she was far too angry at him even mentioning it to imagine how she could seem delusional. He just couldn’t seem to resist throwing things back at her. What had happened to him since the summer? Where had the Gavin gone that she had come to fall in love with? Had he been nothing but a figment of her imagination? It wouldn’t be the first time she had seen something that wasn’t there in someone, but she couldn’t imagine that was the way it was with Gavin.

When the last of the Slytherin’s finally rounded the corner and her and Gavin were the last two left, she let out a frustrated groan that bordered on a scream at the last second. “It meant nothing?!” she half shouted, half choked as she kept back the tears that were now trying to crawl their way out of her eyes again. She had kept them back through that, she wouldn’t let it go any further. Luckily, with how loud the Great Hall was, she was sure her words didn’t travel much farther than the two of them. She wouldn’t want to get them running back to watch another scene, would they? Shaking her head, she ran her fingers through her hair as she began towards the Great Hall, her original intention, before she realized she was missing something she needed. Dropping her hands to her side, she looked around on the floor where she was sure her wand had dropped, then any path where it could have rolled. Nothing. But there was someone standing in the path of where it could have gone. “Where’s my wand?” she asked in the calmest tone she could muster at that moment. It was infuriating that this was happening, that any of this had a possibility of happening. She should be having the best time of her life in her final year at school, and yet, she couldn’t help but feel like her life had just taken a turn for the worst. She was as close to rock bottom as she thought she could go, and somehow she could only see it getting worse if she were to stay in the same vicinity as him any longer.

“You know what? Forget it. Keep it. Burn it. I don’t care. Just stay away from me,” she growled, fixing her bag so it lay across her shoulder the way it was supposed to before continuing forward. He was in her way, but that was only because her direction had changed. She didn’t want food anymore. The thought of it disgusted her. She was more interested in leaving. Finding somewhere to go. Getting out. She needed air. But as she got closer to him, images of the first day they had seen each other flashed in her head. That stupid scowl of his that made his mouth turn down in a cute way. The way his stubbornness only accented the furrow of his eyebrows. The way his hand felt on her arm when he grabbed her just a little too hard to keep her from running away from him. At the moment, she had been slightly frustrated with him, but she couldn’t help but be attracted. Now? As her eyes refocused on the current situation and landed on her face, an involuntary action happened. One she could never imagine doing in any other time or place. But how could she not? He had put her through hell. Though she should have just kept walking, somehow, her body wouldn’t let her. She needed some sort of pay back. So her fingers drew together as she clenched her hand into a fist and aimed it straight for his face.

Words | 1,166
Tags | Gavin
Outfit | Click Here

[Gavin Dewhurst]

i cant get these memories out of my mind,

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(SOME SORT OF MADNESS HAS STARTED)
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[/i] Merlin he didn't want her to cry. He wanted nothing more than to pin her tiny frame against the wall and kiss her, kiss her until she knew that he loved her, that she knew it was real and nothing could ever change that. Yet, none of it mattered. He felt his voice waver before he forced out his words. Swallowing hard he lifted his eyes to meet her, his face like stone. “Don't flatter yourself Krane.” They were alone, he didn't have to say these things. “It meant less than nothing” He had been hoping on some stupid assumption that she would have been avoiding him like the plague, so that things like this wouldn't happen. “Where’s my wand? You know what? Forget it. Keep it. Burn it. I don’t care. Just stay away from me,” That was it? That was all that she had to say? He could feel the heft of it, still sitting in his pocket. Just give it back, you infantile buffoon. Yet his eyes were trained on her. “You're the one with the issue, I think you should be the one to stay away” he spat, doing his best to appear convincing. Just to drag out the conversation, to be closer to her for just a moment longer. He knew the times that he was going to see her over the remainder of the year were limited, he couldn't exactly steal her away into a closet any longer. His gaze was set to be condescending, but the fire in her eyes appealed to somewhere deep within him. She was insufferable. Yet, irresistible. The subtle flush of anger under her pale skin was unmistakeable, and yet he still hadn't expected what was coming his way. He was too busy staring at her face to see her tiny hand move, her body lifting on the balls of her feet, aiming that tiny fist at his face. Their height difference was impressive, but she managed to hit him right on the bottom of his jaw. He knew she was strong, but it was the shock that hurt worse. His body took over, the back of his hand lifted and struck her face before he could even stop himself. “Learn your place” The words that left his mouth weren't his, they didn't even sound like they were spoken in his voice. It was his father, the same words that he had heard said over and over throughout his youth. His father had raised him a certain way after all, never was a woman allowed to raise a hand to her better. Women ought to know their place.

The force with which he stuck her surprised even himself, he could feel the sting on the back of his palm. He hit her. Merlin. He hit her. It wasn't the first time that he had hit a woman, it was unlikely to be the last. Yet, whenever he had done it before it had been because they deserved it, and usually that was only Kariana. She never did mind his fury, she tended to warp his rage to her own desires, yet never would he have his Amina. He deserved all that she lashed out at him and then some more. She hadn't even really hurt him, she was strong for his size but it was unlikely that he was even going to have a red spot on his face. He had been hit by bludgers more often than he could count, so it wasn't the force that got to him, it was the breeding. He had been told before that the pure bloods tended to brainwash their children, but he had always admired the way that he was raised, it was a system that worked. Until today. Merlin he had hit her. His vision didn't even stop spinning until he noticed her on the ground. His instinct was to scoop her up, but he couldn't touch her. Words failed him, he felt like he was sputtering. He couldn't apologize, his mouth didn't work. Pulling her wand from within his robes he thrust it downward to where she was, towering over her. His facade was going to break if he didn't leave. Half side stepping her, half stepping over her, he stumbled toward the main doors of the castle. He needed to get air, to get away. Clear his head, to stop seeing the shocked look on her face. To stop seeing her.
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i've tried so hard to let you go,

[/size]
(THE MADNESS IS SWALLOWING ME WHOLE)[/center]

[/b][/color] 1,589
outfit: This
tags: Amina
notes:m-m-m-m-maaadddnessssss
credit: gabs of a different color; @ caution 2.0[/ul][/size][/font][/left]

[Amina Krane]

Flesh hitting flesh. That hadn’t been expected in the slightest. Amina knew what she had intended to do. She wanted to punch him. To make him hurt like she was hurting. He deserved it after all. Especially considering he was acting nonchalant like the ending of their relationship meant nothing. Every time he stole a glance towards her in class, she could nearly see the disgust in his face. There was a time in the beginning where she thought it was something more. Maybe a longing? Some form of an apology? Maybe even disgust in himself for what he had done. But that thought only lasted so long before her emotions clouded her judgment. He didn’t look at her with the pain in his eyes that she had. He only looked at her with the amusement he got when she was tormented. He never cared for her. It was all a dream. But then, there was always that glimmer of hope in her that reminded her she wasn’t able to look at him the way she needed to in order to know what he was thinking. Not just imagine what he was thinking, but to know. Over the summer, they had connected so well she could literally see what he was feeling when it was strong enough and, though he never said it, she knew he loved her. The feeling was mutual. But then why this? Why the sudden turn around where she was nothing but scum on the bottom of his shoe? A ball for the Slytherin’s to kick around during their break time to get some amusement? The Gavin she knew wouldn’t let it happen despite his reputation. The year before, the moment their relationship had begun, he had called off the dogs. She knew it because suddenly she wasn’t a target anymore. He didn’t want to watch her get tormented when they were together and now that they weren’t? Amina had become free game. And he didn’t do a damn thing to stop it. The Gavin she knew was gone.

The moment her fist connected with his face, she suddenly felt a pain of guilt through her chest. In the split second, she had seen his expression, no, his eyes, change. There was something there that was the old Gavin, but the moment flesh hit flesh, he was gone. All that was replaced was the hatred of a Slytherin, looking down at a Gryffindor who might as well be half his height and living in Drear Alley. Gavin really wasn’t the man she knew anymore and she was going to have to accept that. But that wasn’t what was causing the guilt. She had never hit anyone. Not on purpose and not so violently. It was far out of her realm to start a fight. She was always the one to stand tall against the bully’s and end the fight. Never to start one. He had done much more than crush her heart the day he broke up with her. He had caused something to go off in her and she didn’t like it. What else had he done to her? What else had he changed? She hardly had a split second to realize the full ramifications of what had happened before she saw his muscles flex. Those muscles that had held her so close all summer were now betraying her. They were no longer there to save her. Gavin’s hand hit her hard across the face. A normal strike and she probably would have just stumbled backwards, but with the force he had hit, she had no options but to fall backwards or sprain her ankle trying to keep her balance. Had her mind been in the right place to even try, she would have tried to stay standing but with the shock his hit delivered, she went sprawling backwards onto the floor. Her hands reached out to help break her fall but it did little to save anything but her torso. The moment she hit, the sound of breaking glass could be heard from her ink bottles breaking, the slightest bit of black seeping out of the top of the bag onto the floor where it was laying at her side. But she didn’t hear it. All she could hear was his words.

”Learn your place.” Involuntarily, tears sprung into her eyes and began rolling down her cheeks. It wasn’t because of the pain that was starting in her tailbone that she was sure would be bruised in the morning, or her hands which were red and slightly scraped after trying to save her. It wasn’t even because of the broken ink bottles over her essay that she would have to rewrite. It was because the look in his face. The tone in his voice. He was becoming the man she was sure his parents wanted him to be. Selfish. Uncaring. Ready to pick on the underdog and not take a second look back. Someone she couldn’t save. Someone she didn’t want to save. Words were trying to force their way out of her mouth, something to fight back at him with but each time she tried to shout at him, they got caught in her throat. There was something blocking her way and she was sure it had to do with the tears streaming down her face. She had never imagined in a million years he would hit her. Not like that. No matter what she had done to him in the past, he had never done anything remotely to that effect. Through blurry and stinging eyes, she watched him pull out her wand from his pocket and throw it on the ground. Why did he take it in the first place? As a memento? Something to remember her pain by? Or was it just to screw with her and dangle it in front of her face when she needed it most? It landed next to her bag which was now accumulating a decently sized ink puddle, surely something she would have cleaned up in an instant had it been any other scenario. But this one was so foreign, she didn’t know what else to do but sit there and watch as he turned and stepped over her towards the entrance of the castle.

For a moment, she thought she was going to just let him walk out and leave her there alone, on the floor, crying. Her eyes fell from him and began to wander the floor as she collected her thoughts. She hit him, he hit her. He gave her back her wand do she could defend herself, but she didn’t have what it took to pick it up let alone throw a spell back at him in retort. The ink had finally stopped spreading, but it was also staining her bag and the parchment inside. Her hands started to sting and her tailbone was now aching, but yet she couldn’t do anything but sit and watch him walk away. Just like he had done when he broke up with her. When he ruined them. Ruined her. He deserved much more than that. Finally realizing she had just about been holding her breath since her hand connected with his face, she took in a deep one. It shook with her sobbing as her eyes remained trained on the floo r in front of her. “You once told me you would never hurt me…” Her words were small and weak, but existent over the roar of the Great Hall, students inside enjoying their day and not realizing the scene unfolding outside of the doors. Once they rolled of her tongue, she realized just how weak they were. How little they would mean to any one person. They might mean something to him, because the one time she had mentioned he had hurt her, she had nearly lost him. Would that word still have the same effect on him? Did she care?

Then suddenly something changed. Almost like a string snapped and set loose the trap it had been holding in waiting. Her eyes moved from the floor up towards him. They narrowed as her eyebrows pulled together and her jaw ground together. “I hate you.” When the words left her lips, she knew he had heard her, but the small part of her that still loved him, the part that was hoping this was all a dream, was crying out for them to get lost in the noise of the students in the room just beyond. Amina had never said those words. Never. Hate didn’t exist in her vocabulary. It was a foreign word to her lips, save the times where she was explaining to people that it was a harsh word that shouldn’t be used in every day conversation. Using them in the presence of Gavin had never been an option prior to this day. But now? The three words were perfect. And once they were out, it was like a weight had been lifted. The world was starting to feel right again, but all of a sudden wrong at the same time.

Words | 1,520
Tags | Gavin
Outfit | Click Here

[Gavin Dewhurst]

i cant get these memories out of my mind,

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(SOME SORT OF MADNESS HAS STARTED)
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[/i] Finally. Through his back was turned to her, his eyes drifted shut. Like a cold wave of water rippled over his entire body. She meant it. She really hated him. He didn't blame her. His head rolled forward, the rest of the castle suddenly muting. The roar of other students, the people outside the cracked castle entrance, the footsteps that rang out from every inch of the castle. Everything seemed to get just a little quiet. This was what he wanted wasn't it? He knew that it would hurt, he just didn't imagine how much. In the past he had always been able to turn off his feelings. Take a few days to himself, and swallow whatever emotion it was that was eating away at him. He had done it before, as a matter of survival, and he had just assumed that he would have been able to do the exact same thing this time around. Yet, it was proving to be more difficult. Was it because he was older? Because he had more depth to the emotions or was it because this emotion was so much stronger? Over the summer she had been his air, his reason to get up in the morning, to leave the confines of his bed and find something to do with his day, a reason to better himself. Never before had his personality meant anything to another person so long as he was perceived as a gentleman. He didn't tolerate this ache lightly. This hollowness in the pit of his stomach that nothing ever seemed to quell. He had always thought people who relied on others were weak, to be pitied. They had something whenever they said colors weren't as bright, the sun not as warm. He just hadn't known it until now. He felt like the sunlight was rejecting him, that he no longer deserved of it's rays. Outwardly, his body was rigid, his hands limp at his side. His stupid, traitorous hands. The stupid reflexes that had shattered everything. There would be no hope from her, she knew her stance, she wasn't going to move. It was all that he could have hoped for. Right?

His fists unclenched at his sides, his hands becoming heavy, and his feet started to move, turning his figure around to see her one last time. She had never looked so angry, so perfect. Her face was a dark red where he had hit her, all of her school things ruined at her side, her shoe slightly askew off of her foot. His eyes rolled over her, his face calm. Too calm. His feet advanced upon her, stopping when his robes were just outside of the puddle of ink surrounding her bag, and his knees bent. Squatting next to her he nodded. “Good.” knowing that his words sounded true. He doubted that she would be able to pick apart his true meaning, she needed to hate him. “I told you to.” The first time that he had kissed her playing over and over again in his head, locked in the spare classroom with her half dressed. She had protested then, but he should have known how badly she wanted him. He had told her then to hate him, it was what he wanted. She could have spared herself all of this pain if only she had done what he had told her to in the first place. It was the only option. All others would just lead to her pining, she needed to move on, find somebody that could keep her, love her the way that she deserved. “I told you it would make things easier” his tone condescending, but true. His chest was pounding, there wasn't enough oxygen being brought into his system to make his brain function correctly. His hand moved on it's own, again, adding insult to injury. Oh, why couldn't they just leave her alone? What had she done to deserve this. His hand cupped her chin, his thumb reaching out along her jawline. She was so warm, so good, and he had broken her. He told her that he was bad news, she was only going to get hurt. He wasn't sure if she had actually said her earlier words or if he had just heard them echoing within his own mind. He would have believed either. “And I'm always right.” he spat, sounding ever the true blue blooded Slytherin. His lips were pressed tight against his skull as he pressed them to her lips cruelly, bitter. He just couldn't stop himself.

Pushing her head away with some force he righted himself, smoothing down his robes over his impressive frame, he couldn't stop. If he stopped, he would melt into her ink puddle. “You ought to clean this up, somebody might see.” All of his words carrying a heavy double meaning, none of which he expected her to catch. At least he could be done with her now, she wouldn't have to be tormented by him any longer. He could go on to suffer on his own, she didn't need to harbor any more hurt. She was so small, she could only take so much. He hated that he hit her, he knew what she would think whenever she felt it, he knew where her mind was going to go. He wished more than anything that he could just take it back, but he couldn't. They were alone here, in the entry hall to the school but it was more than that, he felt alone with her in the world, and that the bit of his existence was being ripped away and stored for later use. Perhaps this was what people meant whenever they said they felt like dying. His back turned to her once more his hand lifted to the hardly sore spot on his jaw, she really should have hit him much, much harder. He wanted nothing more than to look back at her, to carry her away or just to lock himself away so as never to bother her again. Pushing open the great doors, the cold dry light illuminating him, his tired features and he pushed hard enough for the oak to separate, allow him passage. At least this way they had gotten it settled before the third party that neither of them was looking forward to came into play. He could only imagine what this woman was going to be like, let alone how she would handle bursts like this with Amina. He was spoken for, how could he have been so stupid. He should have been stronger, he never should have allowed it to start in the first place. He should have just treated her like every other woman that he had in his life. One night, he had that rule for a reason, a very good reason. So that things like this didn't happen.

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i've tried so hard to let you go,

[/size]
(THE MADNESS IS SWALLOWING ME WHOLE)[/center]

[/b][/color] 1,152
outfit: This
tags: Amina
notes:m-m-m-m-maaadddnessssss
credit: gabs of a different color; @ caution 2.0[/ul][/size][/font][/left]

[Amina Krane]

The effect of the words were still coursing through Amina. Her lips almost felt like they were burning, the one word like an acid on her flesh that would keep burning until it devoured her whole. But despite the unpleasant feeling, the burn was so welcoming as well. A feeling that was needed to pull her out of a daydream she had been stuck in for years despite it had only been weeks. He had thrown her into a spiral of turmoil and the burning sensation was the only thing that felt like reality anymore. But it was so wrong. She shouldn’t hate people, let alone the man that had loved her so dearly for so long. How could she hate him? What had he done that deserved such condemnation? Broken up with her? She didn’t even know the reasoning behind it and even if it was because it had all been a lie, how was that a crime worthy enough of hatred? Letting her get tossed around by the Slytherin’s wasn’t pleasant, but it was the same, unworthy of hatred. Her narrowed eyes softened as she asked the questions over and over in her head. He didn’t deserve those words. Maybe she disliked him, but how could she hate him? Suddenly the weight that had been lifted by those three words was back tenfold. This time, rather than the weight being made up of pain from him hurting her and her confusion as to what she had done to cause the end to their relationship, the weight was made of a much heavier material. It was the guilt of speaking those words to him. The three words she had never spoken to any other living being in the past. Even her first boyfriend who had done unspeakable things to her hadn’t deserved those words. Was Gavin really worse than him?

Swallowing hard, she was about to take back the words when he stopped. She had expected him to keep walking so when his steps stopped, she was too caught up in the change to let her apology escape her lips. Instead, she choked it back and watched him for a moment. What would he do? Would he hit her again for saying those words to him? She winced at the thought. Would he keep walking and never look back? That was a good possibility. Would he ask for the ring back? She hoped not. The day in the forest when she had threatened him with it, Gavin had told her never to take off the ring unless she was done with him, until she no longer had feelings towards him. Nothing he had done to this point had caused her to reach that point and so the ring remained in her possession, just in a place he would have to spend time to look for if he wanted it back. She wasn’t going to let it go so easily. Had he asked for it back on the day he had ended their relationship, she would have flat out denied. She wouldn’t return the ring because no matter what he did, how bad he hurt her, she would always love him. Deep down, it wouldn’t disappear, which is what made the words she spoke that much worse. They were too impulsive for her and now she knew why she didn’t like it in her dictionary. It only brought her more pain.

Clenching her jaw tightly in disgust over her moment of rashness, Amina’s eyes followed him as he turned towards her. His eyes scanned her hardened face, but she couldn’t imagine he cared much about how angry she looked. She was crying and that was a form of weakness. Slytherin’s fed on weakness, didn’t they? If he truly was a Slytherin, he was reveling in the fact that he had broken her enough to cause tears. He had only caused them to fall one other time before and that day, he admitted he never wanted to hurt her and never would. Why were men so good at lying? As he began to move forward, Amina’s hands balled into fists as she awaited what was to come. She could stand up so she could better defend herself but her legs didn’t seem to like that idea because they weren’t willing to even twitch, let alone form the strength needed to lift her body mass. Before she had a chance to make another attempt at standing, he was kneeling at her side. So many times before they had been in a similar position, but on much different terms. The images flashing past her eyes at the thought made her teeth grind together for a moment before they disappeared as quickly as they arrived. She couldn’t think of that. It would only make her cry more. She had to be strong. She had to say what she needed to. To apologize for the words she didn’t mean. She needed to tell him how much she really loved him and no matter what he did, she couldn’t hate him.

”Good.” The single word response took her back a step, unable to even form complete thoughts let alone an apology. What did he mean good? Had he really been doing all of this to get her to hate him? Their first few interactions he had warned her he would hurt her in the end, but Amina never believed him. When Gavin had tried to convince her it was best to hate him, she hadn’t listened to a single word. But all along, had he been working towards this end? Or had this been a recent development he was working for? Squeezing her eyes shut for a moment, she tried to keep all of the thoughts from flooding her head all at once. They wouldn’t do her any good if she couldn’t single them out long enough to form the apology she needed to say so dearly. ”I told you to.” And there it was. The admittance that he did want her to hate him. How long had he been working on her emotions to push her to the edge of the cliff she was now dangling over? Had he been toying with her all along for this result, or had it been a change over the summer break that had caused it? Too many questions, too few answers. “I told you it would make things easier.” Shaking her head, she tried to protest, opening her eyes to greet his. He was wrong. It didn’t make things easier. It made them that much more complicated. What would make things easier would be for him to admit his true feelings towards her but, somehow, Amina knew it would never happen.

Pursing her lips together, Amina lifted herself up a little farther off the ground so she would feel in a more acceptable position to object to his comments, but she was met with his hand on her chin. The feeling of his hand on her skin, the gentle touch grazing across her skin the same way he had done dozens of times in the past. His touch had always been a way of calming her down and now was no different. She was beginning to feel like the last few weeks had been a joke, just a nightmare she had been stuck in. Her eyes flittered shut as she treasured the moment of closeness with him, a moment she had been dreaming about. But then his grip hardened and her eyes flew back open to meet his hard gaze. “And I'm always right.” Suddenly his lips crashed onto hers in probably the most painful kiss he had ever given her. Grimacing, she attempted to pull away, confused as to what he was doing and why. His grip was too hard for her to do anything about it, but he quickly pushed her away with enough force to knock her from her hands down to her elbows. Suddenly she could feel her eyes welling up again. Why had he done that? Was it to prove a point that there was nothing left between them? His cold, hard lips had no taste for her affection any longer? Her confused eyes trailed him as he stood up and towered over her.

“You ought to clean this up, somebody might see.” Then he was turning to walk away again, leaving her in a shocked state once again. She felt like she had gone right back to square one. She had already been in this position: confused and unsure of what to do next. It had resulted in her throwing out the three words she wanted to apologize for but now, how could she do that? She didn’t even remember what she had wanted to apologize for. All she could think about was that kiss. It was so cold, so heartless, but yet there was still some hope in the fact that he had only kissed one girl other than her in his past. Why would he kiss her again? As the front doors opened and he stepped out of the castle, her eyes shot up to him and, without a second thought, she was kicking off her shoes and pulling her bag over her shoulder. She wasn’t going to let him go without answers. She had done that the day he had broken up with her and she wouldn’t make that mistake again. There was more behind that kiss and she needed to know exactly what. Getting to her feet, she took off past the doors of the Great Hall and through the slowly closing doors of the castle. When she slipped out, she was greeted with the humid air from the rain that was slowly falling around the grounds. The storm was nearly at an end, evident by the sun starting to peak through the clouds, but that didn’t stop her from getting wet the moment she walked out. Her hair was beginning to stick to the side of her face, her tank top becoming practically see through, and her bare feet collecting pieces of the ground as she ran after him.

“You don’t get to leave it like that!” she shouted as she fast walked towards him, her feet trying to object to her walking on the hard pathway, but she ignored them. She would walk on hot coals if it meant she would finally get to the bottom of what was going on between them. She needed to know so she wouldn’t keep holding on to something that she was imagining; feelings that didn’t exist. “Where do you get off kissing me and thinking that would just magically end things forever?!” With them being outside of the castle and in the middle of a storm, she no longer cared about the level of her voice. She could shout to the heavens and she wouldn’t care. She would be heard by him. Her feet finally stopped when she was five feet behind him, close enough for her to see his face, but still be in a generally safe range if he decided to lash out at her. Lifting her hands to her head, she ran her fingers through her hair and locked them in place, slicking it back out of her face at the same time. When she had woken up, this was the last thing she imagined she would be doing, but there was no turning back now. She had the floor and she was going to get it all out.

“You wouldn’t have kissed me if there was nothing left. You wouldn’t have kissed me if somewhere in your thick skull you didn’t care for me.” Her eyes searched for something, anything, that she could focus on to keep her strength, but there was nothing. She only had herself to keep her strong and though she didn’t know how long it would last, she had to play it out for as long as she could. “You of all people should know that those words I said earlier were impulse. I don’t hate you. I never could. I love you too much for that.”

Words | 2,026
Tags | Gavin
Outfit | Click Here

[Gavin Dewhurst]

i cant get these memories out of my mind,

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[/i] Of course she had come after him. That was their issue wasn't it? She never knew when to quit. She should have just realized that this was what he wanted, that he wanted her to hate him and to leave it be. Hadn't she been hurt enough? Why was she willing to come after him, asking for more. He couldn't afford to be nice to her, he just couldn't, it would only complicate things further. The simple truth was that in just over a month, his fiance was going to arrive and make herself a large presence. No doubt she would be beautiful, so popular. She was going to be everywhere, it was inevitable. It was just the sort of woman that his mother liked. Then what was she going to do? Pretend that he would come for her in the dark of night, steal her away and continue some sort of secret, side relationship? That wasn't fair to anybody involved. Frankly, he didn't have the time to put up with two relationships. He had told her before any of this started that it couldn't happen, that he was spoken for and there was no way out of it. He had harbored some false home for too long this summer, and it had blown up in his face. He knew that she couldn't understand that. She was no longer a part of his world. Not the world that he was supposed to belong to anyway. In a year he would be married and starting a very promising Quidditch career, and he wouldn't have time for sleep, let alone anything else. She would just have to pick herself up and move on somehow, do whatever it was that she wanted to do. “I get to do whatever I want” he spat, not able to even turn to look at her. It sure seemed that way, didn't it? That he really got to choose how things happened, to the untrained eye perhaps. The words were so ironic that he almost laughed. “Where do you get off kissing me and thinking that would just magically end things forever?!” His heavy head shook, inclining toward the ground. “You really are that stupid huh?” he didn't mean a word of it, how could he? He couldn't tell her what would happen, even she would have done what he had, if the positions were reversed. “things were 'magically ended' weeks ago Krane, or do you not understand what the purpose of a 'break up' is?” his eyes lifted to hers, he couldn't afford to show what he was feeling. So he covered it with rage.

She was so close, in one step he could have reached out and touched her. They were all alone, nobody would know. The lump in his throat was back, like he had dry swallowed a large pill, it was making it nearly impossible to breathe. “You wouldn’t have kissed me if there was nothing left. You wouldn’t have kissed me if somewhere in your thick skull you didn’t care for me.” Of course he did, he knew that the kiss was a mistake. Why couldn't he just seem to get it together? There was something wrong with him obviously. He scoffed, a little too loudly for him to take himself seriously. “I kiss everybody Amina. You really are an easy mark” it was a lie. He had told her nothing but truth until a couple of weeks ago, but how would she know the difference now? Somewhere, there had to be a little voice in her head telling her that this was the truth, that he lied before, he was relying on her own self doubt. “You of all people should know that those words I said earlier were impulse. I don’t hate you. I never could. I love you too much for that.” No. he needed her to hate him. This wouldn't work if she didn't. He needed her to hurt enough to hate him, to stop wanting to see him, he wasn't strong enough to do it all on his own. His eyes scanned her face, but he knew that it was true. He just wanted so very badly to believe that she was capable of hating him. He would just have to try harder. The last few words that she said were being forcibly blocked out of his head, he couldn't dwell on them or he would buckle. He took a step closer to her. He had to try harder, she would break. It was selfish, again, but he needed her to break or he was going to fall apart. “Merlin, you just don't know when to quit do you Krane?” his tone was the same that he reserved for the girls who wouldn't leave him alone, the ones that he didn't even think of as human.

One step closer. He could smell her, she smelled so sweet, soft, and he knew her skin would be warm and it would have nothing to do with the rain or his proximity. She was just warm. He eyes glared down at her, frustrated that she hadn't given up yet. He couldn't even speak her name. “Ever thing that I was just after the same thing that I was from everybody else?” He said, his shoulders inclining toward her, talking down to her like she was a child. “You've heard the rumors. You know it's true” his hand moved forward, grabbing a hand full of her posterior. “Just one thing Krane, just like all the rest” he had to cut deeper, and he was hated himself for it before the words ever left his mouth. “You were just such a cry baby about it that I had to stick around a little longer. Didn't want to deal with the drama of you going all suicidal about it because of what some little boy did to you in the past” he felt dirty, the words were like bile on his tongue “And when I was sick of you, we were done. It's simple really” his upper lip curled into a sneer, like she was lint on the bottom of his shoe. Shrugging he continued “I would have just taken the easy route if I had known that you were so difficult to shake.”

Already he wanted to take it back, to apologize, to grovel and beg her forgiveness and hold fast to her torso, her warm, lightly scented body and never let go. He just didn't know how to make her understand. He was so tired of hurting her. He never wanted to. He needed it to be over, he needed it to be done so that he could stop hurting her, so that he wouldn't have to live with any more horrible things that he was saying and moved on. Taking a step back he scoffed once more, waiting for her to run off. That was what was going to happen, it had to be. He couldn't even stand himself for the stupid lies, and he didn't expect her to either. How did this turn out so very, very wrong.

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i've tried so hard to let you go,

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(THE MADNESS IS SWALLOWING ME WHOLE)[/center]

[/b][/color] 2,230
outfit: This
tags: Amina
notes:m-m-m-m-maaadddnessssss
credit: gabs of a different color; @ caution 2.0[/ul][/size][/font][/left]

[Amina Krane]

Standing so close to him was becoming far more difficult than Amina could have imagined. To be this close, and not to have his fingers on her chin, against the small of her back, exploring places on her body few people had ever been able to venture to. The day of the medal ceremony of her gymnastics competition during the summer came to mind. They had gone out afterwards to dinner to celebrate the gold medal that had been placed around her neck. It had been one of the most enjoyable sit down restaurant experiences of her life, followed by a rendezvous back at her beach side home. They had been lucky her family’s beach was private or else she was sure they would have gotten arrested for public indecency. As she imagined all the places his fingers had ventured on that trip, a shiver ran up her spine involuntarily. She would give just about anything for them to be back there, without all of the drama. For them to be back to the good couple they were. She frowned when he didn’t turn around as she approached. She needed to see his face, needed to know what he was thinking or feeling. The last thing she had intended was to make this situation more difficult, but when had she ever intended to make anything difficult? Her pursuit of answers seemed to cause her to get stuck in these sorts of situations and honestly, she wasn’t sure how to keep it from happening. She needed to know the truth, not these lies he kept weaving.

“I get to do whatever I want.” Sure, he got to do whatever he wanted, he had free will. But he didn’t get to run away from her until she got the truth out of him and, thus far, she hadn’t seen it. Or had she and was just too blind to see it? Shaking her head, she removed that thought from her head. The summer wasn’t a lie. It just wasn’t. Her eyes narrowed. Gavin’s back was still to her and she didn’t like it. Why was he having such a hard time looking at her? If he was really telling the truth now, he shouldn’t be affected by looking at her. He had only actually looked at her a handful of times that night and it seemed like every time, he kept putting up a wall of words. “You really are that stupid huh? Things were 'magically ended' weeks ago Krane, or do you not understand what the purpose of a 'break up' is?” Her stomach churned at the sound of him using her last name again. So much time had been spent getting him to use her first name, or at least a form of it. She hated to hear him revert back so far, especially because he knew how much she didn’t like him calling her that. He had to have been doing it on purpose. Finally his eyes turned to her and what she saw was the exact opposite of what she wanted. Hatred filled them down to the core. He hated her. All of a sudden, her mouth grew dry and her throat closed, making it nearly impossible for her to breathe but, in that moment, she didn’t care to. She could drop dead right then and it wouldn’t matter because that single look from him was enough to take away everything from her. Suddenly her will to live had decreased dramatically. She couldn’t live in a world where he hated her.

“I kiss everybody Amina. You really are an easy mark.” Easy had never been a word to describe her, but him saying it just made her feel dirty. Dirty enough for her to rub her arms where water droplets were sliding down. It was an act of scrubbing her arms clean despite it was doing nothing. It just helped her feel better to know that she wasn’t the girl he was making her out to be. She wasn’t easy. Her arms crossed tightly across her chest when she was done rubbing the rain water into her skin, only causing her now transparent tank top to stick to her even worse. It was a good thing she had chosen that day to wear white. Luckily she had also chosen to wear a bra. She was much better off than some of the girls in the school would have been. When she was sure he was just going to turn away, he took a step closer. Her brows furrowed together as she looked up at him. “Merlin, you just don't know when to quit do you Krane?” There was her last name again, this time making her cringe as her eyes faltered and looked at the ground for a moment as she tried to compose herself again. Her will was failing. She had to stay strong. She had to get through this without showing weakness. She had to be courageous. She had to be a Gryffindor. So she looked back up at him just as he took another step forward and this time, she stood a bit taller. It was a façade of strength, but she needed whatever she could get at that moment.

As he took another step closer, she realized just how much of a façade her strength was as she began to feel the same warm feeling she always felt when he was close to her. If he truly did hate her, she would never be able to stand close to him again. She would never be able to get rid of these feelings for him. “Ever think that I was just after the same thing that I was from everybody else? You've heard the rumors. You know it's true.” She shook her head, narrowing her eyes, unable to believe the words coming from his mouth. She wasn’t someone’s end game. She was about to protest when he grabbed her backside, nearly making her jump but instead she took a step back away from him and looked at him with a look of disgust. What was he doing? “You were just such a cry baby about it that I had to stick around a little longer. Didn't want to deal with the drama of you going all suicidal about it because of what some little boy did to you in the past.” The tears were welling up again. He was one of a handful of people who knew that, such a small group that didn’t even include her family. How dare he use that against her? The feeling of wanting to puke came on strong but she swallowed hard to put it right back where it belonged, moving her arms so she was now hugging herself. Unfortunately, it was either puke or cry. Since she had chosen to resist puking, the tears began, mixing in with the rain that was falling. She hoped he wouldn’t be able to see the difference. Crying twice in one day was just far too much heart on her sleeve. “And when I was sick of you, we were done. It's simple really. I would have just taken the easy route if I had known that you were so difficult to shake.”

Taking another step back, Amina couldn’t hold it any longer. If she didn’t go, she was going to lose it. Lose everything. Her mind, her voice, even the lunch she hadn’t gotten to eat, and probably the dinner she would be skipping as well. Shaking her head, she quickly turned and began to walk away from him, her cold feet protesting at each step. By now they were practically frozen and it would be days before she would get all feeling back in her toes, not to mention get the dirt and grass from under her toenails. But that wasn’t what was keeping her from walking. It was the sudden nausea that came over her and the want to run back to him and kiss him, just to show him what he was missing. Her heart tried to rationalize that a kiss would be the one thing to break the spell, just like in the muggle fairy tales. But her brain reminded her that this wasn’t a fairy tale. This was a nightmare at best. At worse, it was reality. As she made her way through the grass, his last few words replayed in her head. He had said them with such disdain, such anger in his voice. Stopping in her tracks, she wiped away the fresh new tears and turned back over her shoulder to look at him.

It was probably the worst mistake she could have made. The moment her eyes fell on him, her heart skipped a beat. And then another. It ached to see him standing so far away from her even though she had only walked five steps. His words, though they killed her, what killed her more was to walk away without knowing. Without trying everything she could to fix this. Turning around towards him once more, she took a breath and gathered whatever strength was left and closed the gap between them once more. Giving him no chance to object, she placed her hands on either of his cheeks and stood on the tip of her toes, placing her lips on his. It was much softer of a kiss than the one he had delivered earlier in the castle, much more like the ones they shared during the summer. After a few seconds, she pulled back and lowered back onto her heels, but kept her hands on his face. Her eyes looked at him with a desperate need for some sign that it meant anything to him, some sign that she wasn’t crazy in thinking this whole time he loved her.

Words | 1,639
Tags | Gavin
Outfit | Click Here

[Gavin Dewhurst]

i cant get these memories out of my mind,

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(SOME SORT OF MADNESS HAS STARTED)
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i've tried so hard to let you go,

[/size]
(THE MADNESS IS SWALLOWING ME WHOLE)[/center]

[/b][/color] 1,810
outfit: This
tags: Amina
notes:m-m-m-m-maaadddnessssss
credit: gabs of a different color; @ caution 2.0[/ul][/size][/font][/left]

[Amina Krane]

A mild wind blew through, pushing the rain harder into the two as they stood in the middle of the grass. They were both soaked to the bone, but no matter how hard the rain pushed, with Amina’s hands on Gavin, she felt the warmth she needed from him. It was the same feeling she always got from Gavin when they were close and it was a feelings he wanted to remain with her for eternity. She couldn’t see how she was the only one feeling it. He had to feel the connection they had, didn’t he? As her eyes searched his for any sign of emotion from the kiss, she fought back another round of tears. No matter how hard he tried to convince her earlier that everything meant nothing, she couldn’t believe it. If this kiss showed that he was telling the truth the whole time, all those nasty comments in the school, his degrading remarks in the rain, she was sure she was going to break into a million pieces. Just as she felt like he was going to push her away again, tell her to get lost and that she was a menace, his arms wrapped around her and pulled her back to the familiar place against his body. Her breath she had been unknowingly holding since the kiss finally released from her throat only to be caught by him as their lips met again. It was the same, painful kiss from earlier but it was so much different. So much better.

As he squeezed tighter and began to lift her off the ground, Amina’s arms wrapped around his neck and took in every inch of him. Being away from him for weeks left no room to question where she wanted to be, and he seemed to have no question either. Though he was practically crushing her, she didn’t care. It felt good to be against his body, to share the warmth of their body between one another yet again. She could feel his fingers lacing through her hair on one hand, and the other balling up her drenched tank top. As he pulled her in tighter, squeezing her so hard she was sure she could stop breathing and not even notice, she realized just what was happening. He did love her. There was no question. Being this close to somebody and holding them so tight left no room to wonder. He loved her and she loved him. There was only one reason for all of the antics. Only one reason he would put on such a show. The moment she realized it was the moment she fell on her tailbone for a second time. He dropped her and without any warning, she wasn’t able to catch herself. Her frozen feet had no way of keeping her up and, instead, slipped on the wet grass as she fell back onto the already bruised area. Cringing, she leaned forward and tried to move off of the area where she landed. No matter how she moved she could feel the blackness forming on her skin so she gave up and pushed it out of her head as she looked up to him. She knew why he let go. He loved her and that was the problem. He couldn’t love her. Not enough, at least. After all, what was the only reason they couldn’t be together? Because he had chosen Quidditch over love so long ago, per his parents requirement. Even though there were so many ways out of it, the main one being to put his foot down against the agreement, somehow, he just didn’t love her enough to choose one of those options. She loved him enough to give up everything for him. It hurt her to realize the feeling wasn’t mutual.

“Are you, happy now?” His words made her pull back a bit as she suddenly felt guilt rise up. She had pushed things too far. Just like normal. He was avoiding her for a reason and it took far too long to realize it. It wasn’t that he wanted to make her feel bad, he needed her to stay away. Lucinda was on her way, after all. Their time together had come to an end because he was already promised. She knew it, and knew that it would be coming, She wasn’t quite sure what she had been expecting and why she hadn’t figured that was the reason sooner, but the way it ended, she couldn’t make the connection. They had been having so much fun and summer still had a week left, not to mention she wasn’t due to arrive for a while yet. Why couldn’t they spend the last days together? Why end it so quickly? There were still so many unanswered questions but as he turned away to get his things, she knew now wouldn’t be the time. Without intending to, she had put him through pain. Bringing her hand to her face, she used her palm to wipe away the fresh tears rolling down her cheeks before placing it back on the ground to keep herself propped up. She didn’t want to get up. Her legs would fail her in more than one way. She didn’t need to make things any worse at this point.

“Is this what you wanted? This. Can't. Happen. Amina!” His words made her look down at the ground. He was shouting again, and this time, she knew he was telling the truth. She could see it in his eyes, the eyes she really didn’t want to look at right now. “Stop doing this to yourself!” Shaking her head in the smallest of ways, she looked back up to him. It didn’t matter what he said, she would always love him. He couldn’t just tell her to stop. “This was a mistake. We. We were a mistake.” Amina’s eyes widened as she did what she could to scramble to her feet. Her feet were still frozen, but they finally were cooperating. She managed to stand despite the jolt of the fall that she was still feeling in her spine. This time she shook her head a little harder. “Don’t say that,” she muttered, a barely audible string of words considering they got caught on the way out. She wanted to tell him how much she wanted him, needed him. That it wasn’t a mistake. That they were meant to be together and they could find a way, but she couldn’t find the right words at the moment. All that wanted to come out was a stifled sob. “If you can't hate me, Fine. I'll hate me for the both of us. But for Merlin's sake Amina, please, Don't love me. Don't do that to yourself. Please” There was no stopping it now. Her tears were rivers down her cheeks and her breathing was becoming irregular.

As his back turned to leave, she started to reach a hand in his direction, wanting to run to him and stop him and tell him they could figure it out. That somehow, some way, they could make it work despite whatever it was that was making him stop. If it was the impeding arrival of his fiancé, they could at least be together until she arrived and try to wean themselves off one another. If it was his friend badgering him, they could be more secretive. She just needed to know why in order to find a solution. But as he began walking, her hand lowered and met the other around her midsection as she began to hug herself again. She couldn’t move to stop him. She couldn’t even speak loud enough to ask him to stop. Clenching her eyes and jaw shut as tight as she could, she turned around and started blindly back towards the castle as she tried breathe in and out in a controlled fashion. It was still daylight out so she couldn’t hide. She was going to have to be presentable to whomever she may come across. Opening her eyes again, she realized she had reached the top of the hill and it was just about as far as her legs would take her at the present moment, so she decided not to push the envelope and slowly sat down on the grass and hugged her knees to her chest, facing the last place she had seen him. There was still a faint outline of his body in the distance, barely noticeable in the rain but still there. “How do I stop loving you?” The question was both to him and herself, but neither gave an answer in return. Resting her head on her arms she took a few more breaths in and out as she watched the one person she loved most in the world disappear into the distance.

Words | 1,474
Tags | Gavin
Outfit | Click Here