Patterns of {ICE}

[Kariana Gabrielle Travers]

_{I Do Not Tolerate A World Emptied Of You}

( I have tried )

F o r • a • y e a r  • I  • h a v e • c a l l e d • e v e r y • b l a c k • t r e e

Gavin;

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Voices were hushed as students rushed to and fro along the nearly empty corridors, somehow still managing to find a way to jostle one another despite the few bodies that actually made this particular population up. But then that was the end of the year for you, even among the good cheer and spurts of sudden sodality that seemed to inexplicably grip them at odd times, rivalry still ran rife through their hearts. It was human nature; it was as many of them had been brought up. It was so much easier to let negative emotions rule, pervading your senses and bringing you- in many a way- back down to the reality that they’d left behind. Even more effortless when everything around you was so riddled with negativity, as Kariana herself had learned. She’d come to awareness with an abruptness that had left her reeling. After weeks of shutting herself in the confines of her four-poster at ever available moment it had been a shock to her senses to attend the end of the year party. Not in a bad way, not at first. She had still been operating under the same haze that had gotten her through her days and nights since the confrontation with Amina when she arrived there, making the familiar ache in her chest alerting her to a certain someone’s presence more bearable. As bearable as having your heart ripped out repeatedly over a length of time could be anyways. The burning, stretching, gaping hole that seemed to have taken residence between her ribs was familiar now at least. She could still feel the beat of her heart, phantom though it may have been. She knew where hers really resided, understood now that she’d never once reclaimed it in the two years since she’d found it there, couldn’t reclaim it even if she so desired. Marcus had accused her of the fight receding from her, accused her of giving up. He didn’t understand though, that this was her way of fighting. She was giving all she was worth to make sure that things didn’t fall apart worse than they had. Making herself oblivious gave Gavin (a searing pain gripping her at the very mention) a chance to put things back to rights with … everyone else. She couldn’t focus on the specifics. She’d given him time, she always had- time to adjust to life without her. She hadn’t approached him, hadn’t gone to him to try and mend the fault that had ripped open between them… but at the party she had felt him, closer somehow in that crowded space than in the classes and hallways of usual route. He had settled over her skin, fallen into her like a searing coal and burned her from the inside out- his gaze skewering her everywhere she moved about the room. The pulse that seemed ever present between them had swelled, waves crashing crescendo between the spaces left between their bodies. It didn’t matter how far she retreated, how much she threw herself into something else, no matter what physical distance she put between them they only seemed to grow closer to eachother, only seemed to be unable to ignore one another’s presence. It was why she’d pulled the smoke so heavily between her lips, trying to rot out the lungs that couldn’t find their way to really be affected by it. Because she was dead, ridden in grief, moving in rote and memory the way she’d been taught. It didn’t matter what you felt on the inside after all, so long as your crazy was kept leashed and hidden beneath the layers of paint you put yourself into. If those that night that she fraternized with halfheartedly thought her off her rocker she made no effort to correct it. If they thought her aimless and without substance she didn’t care, because she was consumed- she was full to the brim of so much else that they could never fathom.

She could still taste the scent of her own cloying fear upon her lips when they’d had her pushed up against the cold stone of the castle, feel the fight that she’d been accused of losing flaring within her as she succumbed to her baser instincts, gave life to the monster that had always been shut within her frail human body. She’d gone that night out of desperation, out of a loyalty to those who still stood by her side even now. Sitting in the back corridors, framed by darkness she’d awoken though, felt her consciousness flare to life in a burst of malicious intent. A violent red had washed her, cleansed her of the all consuming white that had framed her days despite her attempts to push from beneath it. Red had always been her color though, always framed her in some way or another. With a suddenness that couldn’t be denied she’d crashed back into the center of her life, looked into her reflection and found it wanting. Not in the ways that she had tried to ignore before… because suddenly this curse that had been bestowed upon her so violently, these changes that had wracked her both physically and mentally… they had become something that just was, something that she could find a way to grow into. It was the silence she’d fought so hard to hold that clawed at her from the inside out, the absolute lack of action that had her squirming within her own skin. She had always pushed, always been the one to fight for what it was she wanted- she carved her niche out, expanded it when needed, she made it for herself. It was hers. It was something that she had lost sight of, something that had taken that first blow against her cheekbone- that need to fight for her survival waking within her. The sickening words whispered against her slick skin had incited both panic and disgust. She’d been made aware of the dangers that came with being an attractive female from the time she was little, been warned off of dark alleyways and unfamiliar territory with strangers as all girls had. Only she’d looked at it with youthful arrogance before- understanding that her wand was an extension of her, thinking that there would never be a situation where she would allow herself to be impaired enough not to be able to access it. She’d never been alone before either, something that she hadn’t even considered before getting ready for the party. The harsh realizations that the much too close encounter had afforded her had begun to put her back to some sort of rights- had started the process of waking up. It had been Marcus’s words, delivered so matter of fact in the chill of the night air that had driven it home, opened her completely up beneath the moons punishing rays. It had been painful and humiliating, but it had also driven a point home to her that she’d been aware of all along, that she’d been fighting from the start. It was how she found herself fitting back into her old wardrobe, or at least clothes of similar make. Painting her face on in the mornings again, lining eyes in khol and staining her lips in the blood that she felt she’d shed. She was strong, she was able. It was something that she seemed to have forgotten in the midst of the tragedy striking them, something she had allowed to dissipate from her mind until only the weakest parts of her had remained. But weakness was not allowed, could be exploited. This world did not accept weakness, not in her of all people. She was far from completely healed of the debilitating insecurity that had escaped from the first tear of claws through her skin- but she was moving forward. That was what one did wasn’t it? She could be cold, dead, and grieving… but she still had school, still had exams, still had a life to prepare for.

She wasn’t stupid enough to think that it was really over, that the pain would just recede from her after she completed the final step. In many ways it would be opening her up once more, putting her on a display that she’d only once before allowed. There would be no sweet words and delicate touches this time though, no validation in the form of another. This would be bitter, agonizing in the way it would tear her apart. But it was necessary, it was important. This last thing she had to say before she could try and move on from it all. It was more difficult in many ways because of the very fact that it was the very thing that had really broken her in the first place. It was why she was so antsy, the toe of her boot tapping erratically against the cobbled stone as she waited at the corner, edge of the wall holding between her tense shoulder blades- digging into the small holes her shirt provided. There was a very large part of her that wanted to turn from her station, to run back to the alcohol still waiting tucked into the blankets on her bed. She could smell him, more than just the memory or an old trace left from where he’d recently travelled, but the faint trace on the wind brought to where she was leaning- announcing his impending arrival. Her stomach seemed to knot up upon itself, twisting and turning in a fit of nerves. “Gavin,” it was still a prayer on her lips, whispered out from between quivering lips as he rounded the corner, fully coming into her view. Her phantom heartbeat thudded painfully against her ribs in recognition of its proximity to itself, fingers curling into fists as she pushed herself off of the wall and straightened her spine out in one move, trying desperately to focus on the way her muscles shifted against eachother instead of the figure approaching with averted eyes and indifferent profile. She knew he knew she was there, knew he would have felt it the minute he stepped into the courtyard, there was no pretending that she hadn’t been waiting for him either, it was obvious in the way she stalked forward slowly, cutting into his path. Only still his eyes avoided her, his feet turning on their intended trajectory and trying to alter his path in a way that would move him beyond where she was now standing. Only she couldn’t let that happen, no matter how it hurt to see him do it- he’d been doing it for months now, and still the pain hadn’t dissipated any, faded at all from the very first. Her feet moved automatically, matching his steps until she was once more in front of him, only several feet from him at this point. She could feel the heat radiating off of his skin even from this distance, feel her breathing slow to match the rhythm of his. She had to ignore the tinge in his blood, alerting her to the affliction he’d apparently as of yet to take care of. She couldn’t comment on it though, couldn’t wrinkle her nose at the potions coursing through his veins. All she could do for a moment was stare, her eyes slightly widened in a pale face, ever muscle poised on the brink of flight. It wasn’t until he turned as if to leave again that she took a quick step forward, her voice rasping out against her throat as if from disuse or immense strain. “You don’t want to make a scene Gavin.” There were only a few bodies left in the courtyard, a few stragglers casting curious glances in their direction but it was enough. They would be gone soon, something she knew as sure as she did the way he was searching for a way out of it in his own mind. “You don’t have to talk to me,” she hadn’t expected him to; he’d said his piece already in so few words. “But you do have to listen to me this time.” Listen to her as he hadn’t since he’d allowed his heart, his and hers, to become entangled with another female. Her throat seemed to close in on itself as she stepped forward once more until they were standing just so far apart from one another, as if the closer she came to him the undeniable pulse between them didn’t burn against her very essence.

She swallowed past the lump attempting to constrict her air way, her eyes shutting briefly over the irises that seemed to offend him so much, that had finalized this whole ordeal. “I have always fought for you,” her words were raw, bleeding as her lids opened once more, forcing his to meet hers as she tried to work past exactly what she had meant to say. The all consuming anger that had started this whole thing had drained out of her at the very sight of him, the still decreased size of his waist standing out along beside the wrongness pumping through his veins. “I fought with you. I fought beside you. I fought for you.” She reiterated it slowly, as if she couldn’t quite get her voice to work with what she wanted to say to him. “No one could ever figure us out, no one ever understood. What we had between us,” she cut off again, her throat struggling around the tears that wanted to push their way up and out. “it was private, it was ours. We fought for that Gavin. You and I together, we fought for that.” A lone tear did escape then, only in front of this man- the only one who had ever seen her cry before. “I lay myself bare at your feet and showed you everything it was that made me up, I know you Gavin.” Her last line came out harsh, accusatory, eyes glinting in the sunlight briefly. “I know what makes you angry, what makes you happy. I know how you take your coffee and which fruits you like best on which days. I know all the insignificant things that combine to make up who you are.” Her fingers began to shake, tremors coursing up the length of them as she pushed them into the thighs of her jeans as if to still it. “You made me a promise.” She hadn’t meant to go there, had advocated unto herself how important it was that she didn’t, but the tears now falling down her face like acid rain were so poignant, had opened her up just far enough for the words to slip between her lips on a whisper. “And I closed my eyes Gavin, I tried to pretend that it didn’t mean the world to me, that you hadn’t made it at all. Because you could never keep it, not really, not with the way I was even then.” They fell out on a torrent now, riding the waves of her despair as she kept her gaze trained on him. “But I meant it. I meant it even knowing that you would have to walk away at some point. I meant it even though I knew I’d have to let you. I see your face in every crevice of every corridor and I replay the look in your eyes when you found out.” She inhaled shakily, eyes darting from his temporarily as if afraid that the look would be back, that he’d be staring into her like daggers formed in ice. “I may be a monster Gavin, but you always knew that about me, you always knew it was there.” Her eyes lifted to his more steadily this time, arms rising to wrap around her waist as if to contain the outpouring of emotion. “You are just as much a monster as I am. The only difference is that mine has a physical manifestation now. You told me always Gavin,” it was a sob this time, her arms shaking against her torso. “no matter what remember?”

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( I have looked for your face in the patterns of ice )

I n • t h e • d a r k, • I • h a v e  • p o u r e d  • o v e r • t h e •

Loss Of You Like Pale Gold.

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WORDS!  2, 682
WEARING!  This...
NOTES! Well, that was unexpected.
TAGS! Gavin
INSPIRATION! Deathless
TEMPLATE CREDIT! Arro @ Caution 2.0

[Gavin Dewhurst]

you're not the one to hold me
(YOU KNOW I CANNOT CHANGE)
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He had returned to the dorm, at some point. The death of the boy in the hospital wing spread like wildfire through the castle, it seemed that he had succumbed to his wounds after all. Speculation on if the person who had put him there in the first place had finally come to finish off the job was the biggest rumor, but he couldn't indulge in listening, he couldn't focus on it. There was too much chaos in his head. He felt sick all the time. The boy who had spent most of his life as a popular playboy, a lover for the masses had turned into, this. Whatever this was. This walking shell of a man. He didn't want to be moving about, pretending that he was still Gavin, that he was still, human, in some part. Still something to be admired and looked up to but he had no choice. He wouldn't even consider the cowards way out. He had exams, he had a fiance, he had a training camp only a month away. He had to graduate, finish up his finals and move into his house. Move about the circuit, have his training camp, start his job and even get married. All things that were coming up well before he was ready. He was still in mourning, the loss of his life was hard to move past. Only one more week of school, and at least then he would force himself into thinking he was starting over, not having to think of Amina or the other one again. They could run in different circles, all of them. They would find ways to never know one another again, not everybody had to stay friends with those that they went to school with. He was still adapting to the idea that his life was never going to be the way that he had grown up thinking that it was going to be. He was grateful for his body taking over his movements, taking him from class to class, running through the motions. He had just finished his final Herbology exam ever, which should have been exciting. Perhaps had he never met Amina, he would have been walking hand in hand with somebody that he used to consider a friend, or even perhaps walking happily with Lucinda to his next exam, talking about summer plans or whatever else they felt like. Not having this weight on his chest and darkness in his heart. Two more exams for the day, two more and he could collapse onto his bed and shut out the rest of his house. Everybody around him seemed so very excited to be graduating, to be free from the prison of the castle, no more rules, they were almost done. Even the younger students were abuzz with excitement over the warmer weather and prospects that summer was going to bring them.

If only he could bring his body to shut out the rest of the world while going from one place to another. He knew she was there, he could feel her moving behind him. How could he now, he could feel the damned body heat that marked her as the monster that she was ahead of him. She had given him space, and she needed to continue to do so. There was only one more week, then she wouldn't be tempted. He knew she understood why he had slapped her, why they could no longer speak. Why he had, said, the words he had instantly regretted that day. She needed to hear them, needed to think that they were the truth just as much as he needed to convince himself that they were the truth. If he repeated them over and over again in his head, then he could pretend that they were true. Accept them. His rage had given both of them an out, the words that had slipped through his mouth without his approval. As if he could ever take it back, as if he could ever not mean it. As if his mind would ever stop bouncing back to that night unbidden, wistful for a stupid ideal that never would have been able to exist. Every coming daylight proved it further. If only she had known what he had done for her, not that it had really been an option for him, the idea of somebody attempting to do that, to her, of all people, had almost caused him to black out. He had gone down to the hospital wing that very night, whenever all of the other students were in bed, whenever he knew the Aurors were having their coffee, and done what he had done. Cementing the fact that he would never be alright again. He wasn't a killer, she knew that, they both knew she was better sorted for that sort of thing. Only, he supposed ,he really was a killer. In fact. Since that was what he had done, and done it so very easily. He hadn't slept since that night, not for more than fifteen minutes at a time, the bloodshot eyes would always wake him. He was existing on potions and caffeine. Pure battery acid and a drive to get out of this castle was what fueled him, nothing more, nothing less. He had no other options. He was resigned to the fate, that this was his life now. He couldn't handle her right now, nothing that she had to say was anything that he wanted to hear. He felt he had known her well enough to know what she would want to say, and he couldn't hear it. There was nothing left to be receptive to her, not whenever he knew what she was, how she must feel about him. Whatever annoyance that she must feel that he thought he could hurt her back with her words, hurt her in return for allowing herself to become what she was, and now, she was with her. Part of the group he would never be allowed to be in.

She knew Amina better than he would ever be able. They were the same now, and that blood traitor had them both. How was it fair that somebody who deserved nothing at all got the both of them? Naturally, his feet moved him off course, he had another exam to get to after all. Next period, and he knew Lucinda was waiting for him in the great hall, she had become obsessive over sharing meals with him, even she knew something was off from the day that they had met. He was supposed to be forcing himself to eat right about now, not bothering with avoiding the woman who should have had enough sense to stay away. Obviously he didn't want to see her. He kept his eyes trained on the castle, though he could feel his body tensing more with every step that he could feel her making. Why was she coming toward him? He changed his course once more, stepping a little more quickly as she seemed intent on making him stop. Fine, he would just have to find another way to the great hall. He could go around the grounds, it would just take longer. Inhaling sharply he turned to leave, just as her words rung out into the air. “You don’t want to make a scene Gavin.” She was the one making a scene. She was the one confronting him whenever he so obviously didn't want to talk to her. Despite the fact that there were only a few students out at this point and time, it was enough for him to know that was why she had picked now, so that he would be cornered. Either to call her out and leave her sputtering explanations, or to stand there and listen. He hadn't breathed a word of why they weren't talking to anybody. He didn't care to start now. His mind calculated how long he would have to stand here before the students were gone, before he could push past her into the castle like he had never seen her in the first place. Damn his sense of decorum. The breeding was now wasted on her, why was she extorting his? “You don’t have to talk to me, But you do have to listen to me this time.” She had already ensured that he didn't have any options. He couldn't will his ears to stop working, but he didn't have to look at her. “I have always fought for you,” he didn't want to hear her, didn't want to acknowledge the words she was whispering just for him. He could hear the inflection behind her tone, and he wasn't going to let it pain him. What would be the point?

She fought for nothing. That was so obviously what he was. “I fought with you. I fought beside you. I fought for you. No one could ever figure us out, no one ever understood. What we had between us,” he could feel his jaw pulsing, his fists wringing around the strap over his shoulder, pulling it centered across his chest. The still healing pink gashes across his body stinging in protestation at the sudden, intense movements. What point was she trying to prove? What couldn't exist before, certainly had no realm of possibility now. There was no point to this “it was private, it was ours. We fought for that Gavin. You and I together, we fought for that.” he could hear her voice tremble, and his eyes wanted to turn to her face, but he didn't allow it. He couldn't handle the wrong color of her eyes. They weren't his eyes, the ones he was so used to. They never would be again. Her eyes made him sick. His mind flashed instantly to the memories that assaulted him, forcing open the crack that she had started two years ago. Breaking open the patchwork he had been working on the past few months. The sound in her voice, the only other time he had ever seen her cry. He hated her for this. They had agreed. How dare she. The force of the firsts he had experienced threatening to crush him with their intensity. “I lay myself bare at your feet and showed you everything it was that made me up, I know you Gavin.” She knew nothing. How dare she take this from him too? He couldn't even think fondly on the moments whenever they came up. The would forever be tainted with this little speech. It was taking everything in his body not to look at her, he couldn't stop his arms from shaking, every muscle screaming in protest as he refrained from speaking. This wasn't proving her point. How dare she use this as a weapon, this wasn't in her arsenal to use. It was his too. Her tone accusing with those words, she knew him because he had allowed her to, because he had thought she would never be broken, never be desperate enough to use it against him. No, she wasn't holding anything over his head, but she was accusing him. He could hear all the other words hidden beneath those that she was saying. He could hardly wrap his mind around the fact that she had finally spoken of that night, and this was what she was doing with it. The visage of her younger, more innocent face draped itself over her own like a mask. Hiding those infernal eyes from his view. He could feel her calling to him, her fifteen year old self. Her arms were reaching out to him, attempting to free his younger self from within his body, attempting to connect their hands, screaming at him that she was still in there somewhere, that he just needed to pull her out again. Could feel the raw emotions her younger self offered to him, cradling him where it was safe, where they were still together. He wanted to see her again, he wanted to go back to when those things were true, in the night that had seemed to span years. He wanted to let himself be separated, for the good part to come back, to wear the fifteen year old self as his only self again. Until the wolf tore her away, ripping apart his own fifteen year old self in the process.

“I know what makes you angry, what makes you happy. I know how you take your coffee and which fruits you like best on which days. I know all the insignificant things that combine to make up who you are.” Trivial, it was all trivial. So what. If she did, she wouldn't have stolen that last part of him. She wouldn't have tainted the last good thing he would ever have. Polluted it with her bitterness, with her want for him to understand, to accept. “You made me a promise.” His body moved of it's own volition, his head whipping around, eyes burning. His throat felt like somebody had taken sandpaper to it, a heat that washed over his innards boiling his organs clean. He had made a promise, and if she was stupid enough to think that the word he had said in his rage, in his shock at to what she had allowed to become of herself, would have been enough to break that promise? There was no hope for her. “And I closed my eyes Gavin, I tried to pretend that it didn’t mean the world to me, that you hadn’t made it at all.” He wanted to tell her to shut up, to strike her again, the need to hurt her becoming overwhelming. This woman, in front of him, speaking to him this way, he didn't know her. Couldn't accept her. This wasn't his Kariana, his Care this was somebody who didn't l-, didn't care for him. ”Because you could never keep it, not really, not with the way I was even then. But I meant it. I meant it even knowing that you would have to walk away at some point. I meant it even though I knew I’d have to let you. I see your face in every crevice of every corridor and I replay the look in your eyes when you found out.” The blasphemous words continued to pour from her mouth as his eyes found hers, she wouldn't understand them, not with that thing in her head, stopping her from knowing anything. She was talking to make herself feel better. It was pointless. “I may be a monster Gavin, but you always knew that about me, you always knew it was there.” he was starting to feel crazed, the differences in her now, and the one living in bright, vivid color in his head, were dizzying. She was right, he was a monster. He had made that promise to her true self. His rage at what she was doing, what she was tearing from him was too much to take. She had to leave him with nothing? After all he had done for her, still, even after all of his words. Things she would now never know.

“You are just as much a monster as I am. The only difference is that mine has a physical manifestation now. You told me always Gavin, no matter what remember?” He was wrong to have tried to take it from her, that that stupid sentence had been enough for her to shake her sense of self. He would give it back if he could. To leave it with her as a goodbye. He could picture that manifestation, see it standing between them even now. Defeated, his hands dropped from he bag. If there was any part of her left, she would see the truth in his eyes. If she was still in there, still fighting, she would know Always, was always. Even now, in this very moment, as he so badly wanted to hate her, wanted to combat the hurt she had just inflicted upon him with her cruel, selfish words. She had stolen the purity of it all from him, that had to of been her goal, hadn't it? She wanted to hurt him back, and she had succeeded. In droves. He felt like he was slowly freezing, as the memories were slowly retreating, ashamed, back to their room. He could feel his eyes soften, even though his stance didn't, he was still as physically tense as ever. She used his words against him, it felt like she was attempting to enslave him to his word, to force him to accept her. “How could you?” the words came out tiny, like a speck on the wind. His eyes finally rolling up to her golden ones, the mask he had placed over her face gone. “You've made your point.”

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who knows how long ive been awake now
(THE SHADOWS ON MY WALL DON'T SLEEP)

[/b][/font] 3,131
outfit: This
tags: Kariana
song: Demons - Imagine Dragons
credit: gabs of a different color; @ caution 2.0[/ul][/font][/font][/div]

[Kariana Gabrielle Travers]

_{I Do Not Tolerate A World Emptied Of You}

( I have tried )

F o r • a • y e a r  • I  • h a v e • c a l l e d • e v e r y • b l a c k • t r e e

Gavin;

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She felt the sob choke in the back of her throat, the tears falling unchecked down the tensed facial planes. “It’s not a point Gavin.” Because it wasn’t. She still wasn’t even sure how those words had fought their way past her lips, torn up from the deepest well of emotion she’d ever buried within herself. She wasn’t making a point. Everything had changed. She had just wanted to… confront him. To make him understand. She wasn’t even sure. Everything within her seemed broken, incomplete. And she knew, she just knew that if she were to reach out, to let her fingers find his that it would be okay. Maybe not when she left this spot, maybe not for him. But everything that was missing from her was standing right before her, had been glaring at her when she’d pushed herself into his way. She’d just wanted some sort of closure, some sort of sense… that she.,. salty water outlined her lips as she fought to blink back the outpouring of emotion, fingers digging violently into her own sides. She just had to hold herself in. Hold herself together. Her eyes tore back to his, freezing in place as they finally connected and she felt like nothing. Like nothing could hold her to this world. Because it was Gavin looking back at her. Not the man who she’d barely recognized these past few months, looking past her. But Gavin. And somehow that made it hurt all the more. She hadn’t done enough, been enough to bring him back before it was too late. She’d been too late. And she’d failed him. And she was failing him again. She could feel it, taste it in the air around him. Her knees nearly buckled, form jerking to keep itself upright with a pained twist to her features. “It’s not a point,” it was a whisper this time, her jaw locking around the words that threatened to spill out behind them, reforming them just inside her lips. “I’m sorry.” For Amina. For allowing it to happen. For not seeing the signs that would have led them to this path. For disappearing on him during term like that. For putting all these responsibilities on his shoulders alone. For not being strong enough to drag him away from that field. For allowing herself to lay broken and bleeding on that hill while he tried to repair the girl who had started this entire fracture between them. She was so sorry, and she didn’t even know how to vocalize any of it, didn’t know how she was supposed to show him this violent swarm of emotion that had taken over her life. “I’m so sorry.”

The pain filled her, overtaking even the ever present burning, as his eyes finally connected more completely with hers. Broken. Something welled deep within the recesses of her stomach, acid swirling as she fought the threat of moisture behind her eyes. Everything was so fucked. She wanted to reach out, to throw her arms around the boy in front of her, pull him to her and assure the both of them that they could get through this- that they could recover. If it weren't for the still raw edges, for the fear that he'd push her arms away- if it weren't for the revulsion that still lurked in his eyes even under the pain- she might have. Once upon a time she could count on him to be the one to wrap her in his arms and make her forget that they even had a problem to contend with. Once upon a time... once upon a time their life might have actually been a fairy tale. A shuddering intake of breath was all she could manage as she saw him as he had been- dimples flashing as he turned to grin at her over his raised shoulder. Once upon a time she would have been the woman on his arm in front of the crowds of their peers. She could see it, feel the emotions the setting would have presented, feel the ghost smile curling her lips despite the fact that they were so frozen in this moment in time. They would have been able to work things out between the two of them absent all of the social stigma that had been thrust upon them with Kat's family... misfortune. It would have been the two of them holding hands and laughing their way through the shopping centers- the two of them garnering the jealousy of the combined public as they passed through the corridors together. Together they would have been able to find a way around familial expectations without disappointing anyone... It would have been her in white walking down the aisle toward him, her watching the expression that twisted his face as she did so. It would have been her making all of his Quidditch matches and cheering him on, noting every technical mistake the other team managed to make. Her he came home to when her stomach was swollen with the child they'd created. The sob caught in the back of her throat, the raven haired child flashing before her eyes before she managed to slam her lids shut- as if the act could push the image from her mind. Her hand rose slightly, fingers shaking as she pushed them into her lower stomach, running along the symbolism of her empty womb with furrowed brows. Once upon a time... Another shuddering inhale as she forced her lids to peel back, forced herself to take the remaining step forward, keeping her hands strictly to herself as she looked up at the face she'd associated with home for so long now- "Gavin," rough from disuse, as though she'd been silent for much longer than was actually the case. "I'm not done fighting for you. Always. I meant it." The hollowed look in his eyes made her pause, wanting to tell him that she knew that he had- maybe not in the same way but he had. Somehow it made it worse. "I'm a- always here." Her hand rose slightly, fingers pressing just slightly into the space where her heart resided inside of the flesh of this man, fingers pulling back slowly as she stepped back- trying to tell him without words- trying to show him that she was still his Care. Despite everything that had been thrown at him. All he had to do was pull her to him and she knew she'd stay, she knew she wouldn't ever look back at what had happened to them- would find a way to make their friendship return to what it needed to be. She couldn't though, knew it was as impossible as forcing the beast from her body- expunging it until she was once more what she needed to be. Everything seemed to crash into her as she stepped back. It was farewell and a promise in one, ripping from her the last vestige of anger and self control as her knees buckled, hitting the stone with a harsh crack as her head bowed- shoulders shaking with the force of her grief as stolen memory ran on repeat through her mind. She wanted to go back to fifth year- wanted to pull the hangings around her bed closed so tight that the two of them disappeared into that night altogether. She wanted... she needed too much, wanted something that had been ripped from the both of them before they ever had a chance

( I have looked for your face in the patterns of ice )

I n • t h e • d a r k, • I • h a v e  • p o u r e d  • o v e r • t h e •

Loss Of You Like Pale Gold.

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WORDS!  asdfadsfadsfa
WEARING!  This...
NOTES! Well, that was unexpected.
TAGS! Gavin
INSPIRATION! Deathless
TEMPLATE CREDIT! Arro @ Caution 2.0

[Gavin Dewhurst]

you're not the one to hold me
(YOU KNOW I CANNOT CHANGE)
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who knows how long ive been awake now
(THE SHADOWS ON MY WALL DON'T SLEEP)

[/b][/font] 661
outfit: This
tags: Kariana
song: Demons - Imagine Dragons
credit: gabs of a different color; @ caution 2.0[/ul][/font][/font][/div]